Maple Shipp

and to make matters worse i have a sordid past and a fragile constitution

my special talent is saying “no worries” when it’s actually more worries than ever before

your true love gave you eight maids a milking? cool. just one question. what the fuck are you talking about

"do u have protection" i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. "im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer." the night is ruined

Not awake or asleep but another secret third option

yes I am a socialist but I still have a hard time sharing my good pens

I’m starting a new podcast where my guest comes over, we hang out, then don’t record or document any of it. It’s called Friendship

Hate it when my enemy yells "after him" to his goons

an instagram post should answer two questions 1. are you in europe 2. are you still dating them

twitter.com/p4ndr_/status/… cc: @aimeemann @johnmoe

[nancy pelosi email voice] GRU is RISING. can I count on you for $15?

wearing shorts is so embarrassing. Like here are my legs I guess. jesus christ

Literaleigh is a beautiful name for a girl ❤️