Double Comedy

How can you tell if someone went to the gym? Don't worry, they'll tell you.

I know I should respect your opinion but I find that difficult because you're a fucking idiot.

Beauty sleep my ass. I sleep 12 hours a day and I'm still ugly. #Ted

Someone once said that I should always treat other people how I would like to be treated. Now I`m facing sexual harassment charges. #Ted

I’m not staring at your boobs. I’m staring at your heart. #Ted

Why is Peter Pan always flying? He Neverlands. I love this joke because it never Grows old. #Ted

Ghetto Translations: Shit just got real = The situation has escalated to the highest point of seriousness & is no longer a laughing matter.

"I love Justin Bieber!" Jeff, eat a snickers! You're gay when you're hungry. #Ted

7 things a GIRL should look for in a guy: Brave, Intelligent, Gentle, Devoted, Instinctive, Caring, Knowledgeable. In short, B.I.G. D.I.C.K.

I hate when I'm texting someone all excited & they're sending me one word replies.Like, if I wanted to talk to a fucking wall, I would. #Ted

I'm not shy. I'm just holding back my awesomeness so I don't intimidate you. #Ted

🎶🎶 ROLL ROLL ROLL YOUR HOE FUCK HER TILL SHE SCREAMS, BUST A NUT SMACK HER BUTT THEN PASS HER TO THE TEAM. 🎶🎶 #Ted

Fuck YOLO. Live by FISH: Fuck it, shit happens. #Ted

If someone makes a racist/sexist joke, say, with total seriousness, “I don’t get it, can you explain it.” Then watch them crash & burn. #Ted

Took a girl to Starbucks because I forgot her name. #Ted

Twinkle twinkle little whore, you're at school, not Jersey Shore. You're a slutty orange mess, please go find a longer dress. #Ted

The tension in Syria is starting to get pretty Syrius. #Ted