David Mas-Something

I wish there was a catnip for humans & by that I mean, something that was available in all fifty states for a cost of $10 or less.

“FUCK IT’S REALLY GOOD” - Most Kanye Albums & EVERY plate of pasta #Kanye #DONDA

IBS stands for ITTY BITTY SHITS, right?

“I’m into Pegging” - Al Bundy

Anyone else look at their laundry and think “Should I jus throw this away”?

Things I do in the shower ranked: 1. Sing 2. Cry 3. Drink 4. Clean my body

“Wow, I can do anything” - Anyone watching Elon host SNL last night.

How is BAR BAR DRINKS not a STAR WARS themed pub? #MayThe4thBeWithYou #StarWars

Vin Diesel in Guardians of the Galaxy: I AM GROOT! Vin Diesel in Fast & the Furious: I AM VROOM!

SPECIAL K cereal seems to be marketed to white suburban women. Does that mean it’s short for SPECIAL KAREN?

“Comedy is Back!” Comedy = My Anxiety Back = Never Left

Today is a somber reminder that no player from the first puppy bowl is still alive. #SuperBowl

Music Streaming Ranked: 5. Amazon Music 4. Tidal 3. Apple Music 2. Spotify 1. Radio playing outside my neighborhood taqueria.

I bet Donald Trump watches IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE & thinks there should be more Mr. Potter scenes.

$600 is what a rich relative leaves you in their will because it’s cheaper than writing you out of the will completely.

One time in college, my communications teacher yelled at me for talking.

FUN FACT: The first draft of AFTERNOON DELIGHT was called SEX AT 11:30AM.

Most of my old family photos are poorly lit, because my parents/grandparents thought that using the flash was too "fancy".

My hair is entering FARQUAAD territory.

Just passed by the living room mirror with a snack in my mouth & said “Not today, Satan!”

Finding the right health insurance is so confusing.