Madi

A plane was about to crash, and there were only four parachutes onboard - but five people. The first passenger, a world-famous football star, said, "I'm at the top of my career. I can't die now!" He grabbed a parachute and jumped. The second passenger, a very wealthy businessman, said,I'm one of the richest people alive. I'm still needed!" He took another parachute and jumped. The third passenger, a politician, said, "I'm one of the smartest leaders around. My people need me!" He grabbed a parachute and jumped. That left an elderly priest and a young schoolgirl. The priest said kindly, "My child, you take the last parachute. Il sacrifice myself." The little girl smiled and replied, "No need, sir. There are stil! two parachutes left." Surprised, the priest asked, "How's that possible?" She replied, "The politician took my school bag."

A father is listening to his young daughter say her bedtime prayers. She says, “God bless Mommy, and God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma… and goodbye, Grandpa.” The father looks startled. “Why did you say goodbye to Grandpa?” he asks. “I don’t know,” she says. “I just felt like saying it.” The next day, Grandpa drops dead. “Well,” the father thinks, “that’s a strange coincidence.” A month later, he’s listening again as she says her prayers. “God bless Mommy and Daddy… and goodbye, Grandma.” Sure enough, the next day Grandma passes away. Now the father knows this is more than coincidence—but he doesn’t dare tell his wife. After all, Grandma and Grandpa were her parents. Months go by. One night, he listens nervously as his daughter begins her prayers: “God bless Mommy…” She pauses, turns her head, looks straight at him, and says, “…and goodbye, Daddy.” “What?!” he blurts out. “Are you sure, sweetheart?” She nods. The man’s heart starts pounding. He breaks out in a sweat and doesn’t sleep at all that night. The next day, he goes to work but locks himself in his office. He cancels all meetings, takes the phone off the hook, and waits for the inevitable. He stays late—past 5 p.m.—because he feels safer there. The hours crawl by. Finally, midnight arrives. Still alive. Relieved but completely exhausted, he drives home, drenched in sweat and shaken to his core. His wife is waiting for him. “Where the hell were you all day?!” she demands. “Don’t yell,” he says. “I’ve had an absolutely miserable day.” She replies, “You had a miserable day? I’m the one who had a miserable day! First, the milkman dropped dead on the front steps…”

A ngga who ghosted me last year suddenly popped up like a glitch in the matrix, texting “hey u awake?” at 11pm on Friday night…. At first I was gonna leave him on delivered ’cause… be serious. But I was bored and a lil chaotic. So I hit back, “yeah, pull up?” He said, “drop ur addy, I’ll slide thru.” I said bet. I opened Google Maps, grabbed a random Airbnb listing, and sent him THAT address. An hour later he’s blowing up my phone like, “I’m here.” I turned my notifications OFF, rolled over, and slept like a baby. Woke up to 38 missed calls, 12 voicemails, and paragraphs. I did a deep stretch, sipped my iced coffee, and BLOCKED his dusty ssa with a smile.

Met a couple looking to retire in 2026. Their home is paid off and worth ~$510,000. They feel trapped because it’s less than $900/mo to live there & if they sell, renting would be $3,200/mo. Millions of people have these golden handcuffs.

She has seen this trick before 😂

My man said he don’t like “arguing over little stuff.” So I stopped bringing little stuff up. Now it’s “Why you acting distant?” Because I got tired of being told my feelings were small.

My urgent care doctor has caught on that I’ve been using him as my primary care physician

Three drunk guys got into a taxi… The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine and turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"

Two identical twin brothers live together. One is a respected dentist. The other is unemployed, unmotivated, and perfectly comfortable letting his brother support him. He can’t hold a job and lounges all day while his brother works hard to keep the lights on. One Saturday, the dentist gets hungry and asks his brother—who hasn’t stood up all day—to go get food. After some feeble protest, the brother takes the car to the store. The dentist, free for the weekend, promptly turns off his phone and drifts into a nap. Thirty minutes later, the lazy brother is in a head-on crash just a block from the grocery store. Barely conscious and fading fast, he’s rushed by ambulance to the ER in critical condition. The hospital tries calling his brother, but the line just keeps ringing. Back home, a relentless knocking wakes the dentist. Thinking it’s just a solicitor, he tries to ignore it—but when he finally opens the door, he can’t believe what he sees. On the doorstep stands the Grim Reaper, all bones and shadows, cloak tattered, scythe ready. The Reaper lets out a long sigh. “Ughh. Twins. They always complicate things.” “Wait… what do you mean?” the dentist says, trying to keep his voice steady. The Reaper says, “Your brother was in a serious accident. I’m here to collect his soul, but with twins, there’s always confusion. More than you’d think. Anyway… I’ll be going now.” “Wait!” the dentist blurts, panic rising. “Surely there’s some way to save my brother! After all, this is your mistake, isn’t it?” The Reaper pauses. “Depends. What’s your idea?” “A challenge,” the dentist says. “If I win, you spare him.” The Reaper scoffs. “I am Death incarnate. I do not fail. But… go on.” The dentist flashes a confident smile. “Five minutes of brushing. Then we compare—may the cleanest, brightest teeth win.” The Reaper hesitates, then shrugs. “Very well.” They head to the bathroom. The Reaper pulls back his hood, revealing a flawless, polished skull. He grabs a toothbrush, applies some toothpaste, and brushes with military precision. Five minutes later, his skull gleams so brightly it practically lights up the room. “Your turn,” he says smugly. The dentist grabs a fresh brush and goes to work, scrubbing every angle with precision. When five minutes are up, he spits, flashes a wide grin— And it’s absolutely dazzling. His teeth are so clean and radiant that the Reaper can see his own reflection in every single one. The Reaper groans. “Fine… I lost. Your brother lives—this time.” With a swirl of smoke, he vanishes. At the same moment, the brother wakes in the hospital—completely uninjured and perfectly healthy. Just then, the phone by his bed rings. It’s his brother, the dentist. “Hey bro,” the brother says, still sounding a little dazed. “You won’t believe this—I went to the store for some food, just a quick trip, and some guy ran a red light. Bam! Hit me head-on. Next thing I know, I’m in an ambulance, doctors everywhere, checking my vitals. They said I almost didn’t make it. I mean… I was just trying to get some snacks!” The dentist sighs with relief into the phone. “I’m so glad you’re okay. And to think I thought today would be uneventful… but I guess you could say that today, I too had a brush with Death.”

I own a small bakery. We aren’t famous, but we pay the bills. Last Tuesday, a woman came in. She was gripping her purse so tight her knuckles were white. She looked at the display case for a long time—too long. She pointed to the smallest plain vanilla cupcake we had. 'Just that one, please,' she whispered. 'Could you… could you put a tiny candle on it? It’s my daughter’s 6th birthday.' I looked at her shoes. They were wet. It was raining outside, and she had walked here. I looked at her eyes. Red-rimmed. I knew that look. It’s the look of a parent who has to choose between rent and a party. 'I’m sorry,' I said, putting on my best acting face. 'I actually have a huge problem. See this 8-inch chocolate cake with the unicorn frosting?' She looked at the expensive cake on the counter. 'My new decorator messed it up,' I lied. 'The icing is… uh… uneven. I can’t sell it. I was about to throw it in the trash. Would you do me a favor and take it off my hands? No charge. It saves me the guilt of wasting food.' She stared at me. She knew. The icing was perfect. She started to cry, right there in front of the croissant tray. 'Are you sure?' she asked. 'Please,' I insisted. 'You’re doing me a favor.' She walked out with a cake that would have cost $65, holding it like it was gold. Yesterday, I found a card slid under my door. It was a drawing from a 6-year-old girl. A unicorn with a big smile. And in wobbly crayon letters: 'Thank you for making my mommy happy.' Best profit I’ve made all year.

People that last minute Christmas shop drive me insane. They get in the way of my last minute Christmas shopping.

W judge

I’m so fucking stupid, I walked out of my apartment this morning and thought “wow it’s so foggy this morning” and my neighbor’s house was on fire.

HE TURNED IT OFF?? I CAN NO LONGER SEE IF HE IS ACTIVE OR NOT 😭 STOP LURKING

One weekday morning a man wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but hadn’t phoned in. Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whisper, "Hello." "Is your Mummy home?" he asked. “Yes," whispered the small voice. "May I talk with her?" The child whispered, "No." Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy there?" "Yes." "May I talk with him?" Again the small voice whispered, "No." Hoping there was someone with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anyone else there?" "Yes," whispered the child. "A policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" "Talking to the ambulance men and the firemen," came the whispered answer. Growing more worried, he heard a loud noise through the earpiece on the phone and asked, "What is that noise?" "A helicopter," answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Still whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter." Alarmed, confused and frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?” Still whispering, the child replied with a muffled giggle..."Me!"

I dont know how many times I've seen Jake Paul get punched in the face today but I watch it in its entirety everytime it comes up on my feed

Hace años, un vecino vino a tirar petardos a mi esquina y mi perrito viejito temblaba y lloraba. Salí a pedirle que fuera a su puerta y dijo "tiramos acá porque mis perros sufren, termino estos (unos 20) y nos vamos" Salí con un balde de agua y lo tiré sobre su arsenal. Se fue

❤️

I hate the idea that schools think they are in charge... My kid is out with the flu. I call on for him and I'm told "If he misses the day after tomorrow, you will have to provide a doctor's note." To who? Who the fuck are y'all?