1990s Time Traveler

Friday night, time to fax my pizza delivery order to the local Domino’s.

If I already have diarrhea, I’ll go and eat Taco Bell because you can’t get diarrhea twice at the same time.

I'm always the third-coolest person in any group. I had it checked by a doctor.

I can handle a lot of things… but someone trying to have a conversation in the morning is not one of them.

A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.

You'd be a lot less angry if you fixed your posture.

Happy “what day is it?” to all who celebrate.

Interviewer: So why do you want this job? Me: I don’t, I just need money.

Today is Mondnesday, December the 37th

Remember the time he ate my goldfish, and you lied to me and said I never had any goldfish? Then why’d I have the bowl, Bart? Why did I have the bowl?

I started fake coughing on zoom calls a few days ago so that I could miss the company holiday party tonight & and watch the B1G championship 🫡

*chugs 4th glass of wine *slams the glass on the table I’m gonna buy a dog.

I'm going back to buying dvds and cds

Simpsons costumes are being taken to a new level this year 👏

Taco Bell is technically allowed to call their taco filling ground beef because there’s a 100% chance that it has been on the floor.

Since we can’t use plastic straws anymore I’ve just been choking turtles with my bare hands.

I don’t mind driving in bad weather. I mind other people driving in bad weather.

If you ever see me out in public just know I don’t want to be there.

The pumpkin patch owner didn’t like it very much when I told her that I love her heavy naturals.

No haunted house could ever be as scary as a team-building activity