Faux Ma

My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.

I think the hardest part about my divorce is that my husband doesn’t know it’s happening.

Aliens: we have decided to reveal ourselves. Twitter: your mom reveals herself.

Normalizing run-on sentences is how we beat the AI corporate apocalypse.

It stresses me out that my teenager gifted me with a candle with the scent name “stress relief” for Mother’s Day.

She died doing what she loved, saying she was fine when she was not.

I gotta stay off twitter. I agree wit too much shit

Maturity happens when you realize the cast of Sex and the City were girls and the cast of Girls were women.

my toxic trait is… i actually think i’m being nice

Some tweets are a cure for your mood.

Who wants to tell Norah Jones that we don’t listen to her anymore because every guy we slept with when she was relevant cheated on us.

Boss: I have some negative feedback Me: Wow, so do I! We are so on the same page. Synergy amirite?!

My work pronouns are: No/Stop/Don’t

MY LIFE ISN'T INSTAGRAMMABLE, HOWEVER, IT IS TWITTERABLE.

at the club asking people if they’ve seen nirvanna the band the show the movie yet

The length of grass in a yard at any given time can make or break a marriage.

Doctor: if you keep this up you won’t be around for long. Me: good.

The only reason snoring hasn’t been solved is because men want women to kick them out of the bed so they can join a different one.

I don’t have a dad bod, it’s a father figure. Show a little respect.

I’m not dating again until my sleep demon approves

Teenagers are like I hate you but I need my braces tightened.