JayMind

I can tell just by looking at a person if they have the Arby’s app on their phone.

*chugs 4th glass of wine *slams the glass on the table I’m gonna buy a dog.

Friday night, time to fax my pizza delivery order to the local Domino’s.

After food is delivered to my door, I hire a second person to bring it to my couch.

If I were a solo artist I would call myself 21 Sandwich, because that’s how many I eat each week.

Imagine you go missing and your family posts a reward for your return and its only $20.

What is the exact amount of time before a nap actually turns in to bed time?

i once saw maury povich break a homeless guy's arm with his bare hands

Gonna start dressing like the 80s again. Whether I mean the 1980s or 80-years-old, I’ll let you decide.

I wish I was rich enough to say “I’ll send for the rest of my things” as I make a dramatic exit out the door.

I see posts like, "If food is too expensive just grow your own." Okay George Washington why didn't I think of that

It’s cruel that when you’re in a hotel learning a new shower knob, confused and annoyed, you’re also naked and cold.

My mother has requested I find a new emergency contact

The whitest thing I’ve ever done is buy salsa from CVS.

Onlyfans is just what I’ll be running after paying my July electric bill.

I don’t care for small talk. I prefer awkward silence.

Sometimes we clap because they’re good. Sometimes we clap because they’re done. Karaoke

Dudes have to wear pants to the office, but I can throw on a pillowcase with armholes & go unbothered.

10 years ago, I put my phone on silent and never looked back.