Melanie

my 90 year old grandmother: yeah I was up at 3 am this morning my mom: ugh, did you get up or stay in bed? my grandma: I stayed in bed, reviewed my life

I haven’t used this app in years but I hated this finale so much I had to voice it. So fucking overproduced and to the producers - Heather is a terrible actress, stop giving her monologues and “games”. The inauthenticity is actually infuriating #RHOSLC

@afurledfern absolutely men-toll

@afurledfern I read malady as “m’lady” which made this super funny

No piece of comedy is as funny as your friend accidentally saying a word a little bit wrong

@afurledfern It seems people have forgotten that real incompetence is still a thing hahaha like with the number of things I’ve done incorrectly when trying to help Nick cook, these people would insist he divorce me immediately

Macs are for fake jobs, PCs are for real jobs

me: I desperately need to shower, I haven’t showered since Thursday morning Nick, unironically: oooooh that’s so COOL!

Thinking about how my cousin got the nickname Kelly Mean in high school and how pissed I am no one ever called me Melanie Mean

Watching Laguna Beach as an adult is so funny. They all sound like the actors in Paranormal Activity, just the worst improvisation imaginable. The constant music cues over a bunch of cuts to people simply looking at each other. It’s so great

Found a dog that has the head of David Lynch and the body of Among Us

He looks fucking amazing!!!!

Good app

Literally every minor celebrity I follow on Instagram is vacationing at the Amalfi Coast this summer and I’m so bored of it

A rainy evening in Oakland on a Monday in April? Immaculate vibes

Supreme Court Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson. 💐

@zerohacker I love that he put that specific declaration out to the single largest audience he will likely ever have

@MalloryGreem I have such a soft spot for the first 50 Cent album, a lot of lines like that just randomly pop into my head, and I too smile to myself

Sometimes I think about how 50 Cent said “I’m into having sex, I ain’t into makin love” at the Super Bowl and just smile to myself

This is batshit insane

One thing in this life that truly sucks is getting slapped on global television for a joke you thought of a second before you went on stage that wasn’t that great

i'm sorry but jamie lee curtis holding a dog on stage during the in memoriam for betty white right after will smith punched chris rock is a 30 rock sketch