little Bird sketch

Delighting people with my bullshit since 2016

@augustjsmith Tell Chicago hi for me:)

Chicago reading tomorrow 🐌

@no_compute He's 3 weeks old, you can't spank him for having a hard time pooping

what's a good age to start spanking your child?

You know you're 36 weeks pregnant when the season finale of Wednesday makes you cry uncontrollably.

@augustjsmith @no_compute , looks like we have a new;) place for date night

@QuirkVeronica they were at Foreign & Domestic and they were super delicious. make Paul take you there for oysters after the baby arrives!!

I have a girlfriend now and she's taking me out for dollar oysters tonight

@no_compute A delightful date night dinner:) The mushrooms were amazing, the snitzel a delicate treat, and the red cabbage was not being shy either 😋

Thought my son was kicking me. Today, I found out he's punching me. Feels different somehow

@no_compute I was on board with this idea:)

i had a restaurant idea once and tried to get the wife on-board, it would just be a window where you can only order bbq ribs, probably about as simple of a restaurant you can get

@punishedick @no_compute More seasoned than your grandma's favorite cast iron pan!!

@QuirkVeronica @no_compute the bed was pre-seasoned

when you're out in the middle of nowhere and the only room the motel has left is the honeymoon suite, don't take it

@no_compute There were visible hand prints all around the jacuzzi and the heart-shaped bed had a platform underneath and a mirror above it. It smelled like prostitutes and side pieces 🤮

@no_compute We slept on top of our sleeping bag that night, and I still felt sleezy in the morning.

I have literally never had a delivery driver knock on my door when delivering a package that didn't need to be signed for. Today, my breast pump arrived, and the driver knocked on the door before leaving. So, do drivers only knock when they know a baby could wake up if they do?

So sick of going to estate sales that price everything at or above retail. Why would I spend 600 for a bassinet that your baby drooled all over when I can just go buy a new one??

@hulu_support A half an hour show has more ads than show. It's beyond ridiculous. If you're going to make people suffer through endless ads, you shouldn't charge anything. Or you could have all the ads before the show starts, but every 30 seconds you throw in 90 seconds of commercials.

@QuirkVeronica Sorry for any upset! By including ads we’re able to offer the variety of content currently available in our streaming library. If you prefer to stream ad-free, check out our Hulu (No Ads) plan (hulu.tv/AdsConcerns-). Please let us know if we can assist with anything else!

@hulu you have a disgusting amount of commercials for a service you have to pay for

@hulu you have a disgusting amount of commercials for a service you have to pay for.

@no_compute It was adorable

little Pete dog bit me last night while he was sleeping

@augustjsmith @no_compute @IKEAUSA We went to the new one in San Marcos. It's probably equally as weird. It felt like walking through the book Horrorstör, but more annoying.

@QuirkVeronica @no_compute @IKEAUSA did you guys go to that one up in the Domain? that place is weird

i dont recommend visiting the small-format IKEA store

@no_compute This is actually my favorite tinned fish and I do consider it to be a treat. Especially when we go backpacking

buddy, if you really want to treat the misses

is that brand of fish the same as the Patagonia brand of clothes?