Kit

Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I'd be a badass in any apocalypse.

Nothing like a call from a specialist the Monday morning after a holiday weekend saying “she wants you to get this ultrasound IMMEDIATELY “ to put some pep in your step.

Everything you know about Steve Perry is wrong.

A lime shortage? Really?

Is it omicron or delta or your period or a cold or flu or allergies or anxiety or long covid or perimenopause or food poisoning or migraine or a tumor (“it’s not a tumor”) or PTSD or parenting is just so hard lolol or too much sitting and screen time and stress or IS IT COVID or

Peaceful Solstice Eve to All ✨🎄✨

No matter how good the hotel bed is, there’s nothing like climbing back in my own bed that first night home.

That’s a modern thing. You could take out the tense “Should I cut the red wire or the blue wire?” scene in any movie & substitute the person having to get CAPTCHA right on the first try or else & my anxiety level would be even worse.

I get about 800 likes. It takes me 700 tweets. But I get em.

@HatfieldAnne When I was little I got in trouble for dancing the can-can every time I had to stand around. Apparently it’s inappropriate for a 9 year old. And “but I saw it in a movie” is no excuse.

All French women dance the can-can. More French facts as I get them.

I enjoy very little, to be perfectly frank with you. Since coming out of of lockdown, I don't go anywhere. I literally only go to gym and to work. That's all it took to make me happy.

Will you people get out of my way what is your problem

New guy at work is in his 20s. I don't understand a single God damn fuckin thing he is talking about.

I don’t upgrade phones until the old one is useless. Soooo every time I get a new phone it’s multiple gens ahead of my last phone. There’s always new things they do that freak me out and make me think I broke my new phone.

I have discovered with my mom living here that I hate repeating myself more than just about anything. Projectile vomit or repeat myself? Hold my mop. Stub my toe or repeat myself? Sorry little pig.

COCOA BEACH BABY!

They only reward good work with more work and wonder why people are tired

Not buying gifts this year. Everyone is getting homemade pasta, a bottle of my orgeat liqueur and a baby blanket.

Christmas is my favorite time of year because it's when me and my brother get together and trade identical $25 Home Depot gift cards