Bon Bon the D

I like my Millennials shook, not stirred.

I’m not one to tweet complaints, but come on @sonicdrivein even fast food has to have some standards.

Just saw a sign that said “diamonds were a girl’s best friend, then Botox came along” so it’s good to know that the beauty industry is still horrible.

@danksideofmeme I messaged a cousin for the first time awhile back just so I could stay at his place while I learned to pole dance. Turns out cousins are good for that kind of thing.

@peepeedee I’m always on the lookout for Cody’s. They are all the same person I’m pretty sure.

And if you live in Provo, look out for a Cody with a motorcycle. Be safe my friends

I just had an awful experience where a stranger confronted me while I was parked in my car and made me feel very uncomfortable and unsafe. I could feel that if I didn’t know how to handle the situation something really bad could have happened to me.

Am I a traffic law in Utah? Because I feel ignored.

Can I plug up your mouth with my mouth? -Me, a very successful kisser

A Sonic Boom is when Sonic reaches the speed of sound and his ass cheeks clap together

I didn’t watch Mr Roger’s Neighborhood as a kid, but after watching just one episode (I’m almost 30) I wish I had. It took me a long time to learn how to care about others the way he does.

@SarahKSilverman @MarkRuffalo It’s good to see that celebrities also tweet weird things at celebrities. On a related note: @ZacEfron I’m still waiting to hear if we’re still friends after I sat next to you in the bus in HSM.

Hey @MarkRuffalo I just woke up from a dream where you told me you can only go to the bathroom every 20 days. You whispered to me, exasperated, “20 DAYS!” So I got you some smooth move tea to drink before bed and also told you to drink tons of water and you were so happy.

@jazz_inmypants Marshallese: buruomej English: Sad Literal: my heart is dead

if you have ever wondered why a woman online has not answered your dm or befriended you, it is because there are girls out there getting their heads sawn off for it

If you take all the Spider-Man movies together, then Peter’s Linked In profile must be a nightmare. He is connected to literally every single megalomaniac on the planet.

@baddestmamajama Well, I had a guy give my book 2 out of 5 stars after reading literally one paragraph, so that was something.

How’s your writing going today, writer twitter?

So we had to put a cone on my dog again. My cat loves it

@Nicole_Cliffe This is pretty accurate. Except for Ringu. I’d replace Ringu with Last Shift and then this would be the perfect list.

Sometimes I think, why doesn’t the rest of the world like Americans? It’s nice of Twitter to provide constant reminders for me.

@DineshDSouza If possible, I’m the creepy statue hiding behind the chair, waiting for this social event to be over.

Masculinity in the twenty first century: which one is YOU?

PARENTS DO NOT VACCINATE YOUR CHILD!! I vaccinated my baby and now 60 years later he has an Old face, too soft hands, horrible looking. DISGUSTING why is he alive so long

@elizaskinner Pretty sure I do my part.

Very annoyed by handsome dudes who do not post enough photos of themselves. Run your hands through your hair and look at your phone like a DJ with a secret or a sad breakdancer whose neck hurts and post that shit. DO YOUR PART.