snarkandlemons

At this point I’m definitely more of a roll model than a role model

No one tells you how difficult it is to complete a thought once you become a mother.

I’m aging more like an opened bottle of wine than a fine wine.

Was it the moon or sleep regression? ~parenting questions unanswered

“Ohhhhhhhh, that’s so nice” My 3 year old watching the scissors glide through the wrapping paper with one glorious cut.

Elfuckery: The bullshit you come up with for your Elf on the Shelf.

So am I just basting the turkey in CBD oil this year?

Friend: "Only 53 shopping days until Christmas!" Me: "I have plenty of time." [52 days later] Me: "Oh f**k."

just thought that by this point in my life technology would allow us to smell the food featured on a cooking show

I’m never more annoyed at my kid than when they’re acting exactly like me.

If someone thinks you are an asshole for setting boundaries I promise you, you are not the asshole.

It wouldn’t be a holiday weekend if I wasn’t debating calling the doctor.

@IHideFromMyKids That’s the dream.

All I want is to live in a house so big that I can’t hear my husband pooping.

I don’t understand people who do things after work. After work I just want to lie down and die.

@twinstantfamily 😆😆

@snarkandlemons Hahaha I think I’d rather have them awake at their normal time and friendly than whatever rolled out of bed this morning.

Yesterday the twins turned 4, started school, skipped a nap, B had therapy, and then more birthday celebration over dinner. It’s 7:30am and they’re still asleep.

My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again

If you like to hear every second of the day dictated by a tiny person with no volume control then parenting might be for you

Today my toddler pointed out the dark circles under my eyes. It was almost like she was admiring her work.

My 4 year old said she was done with me. Her immediate need for a snack proved that was a lie.

My friend said that once you have a baby it will take about 10 yrs for you to have your independence again. You‘ll emerge from your shell looking for every opportunity to party like you’re in your 20s except you’re in your 40s with a 9PM bedtime and under eye bags to think about.