Sarah Carlson

Dear baby, if you were waiting on me to deep clean the fan in my bedroom, it's done now. Let's do this - pick a birthday. #40Weeks3Days

honey lighters husker dos husker donts, cherry bombs, nipsy daisers-with or without the scooter stick-or one single whistling kitty chaser?

Ur gonna stand there, owning a fireworks stand and tell me you don't have no whistling bungholes, no spleen splitters, whiskers biscuits...

Yesterday in conversation, Johnny used the phrase 'tickle my fanny.' #IThinkHeMeantFancy?

@JacobUselman that John Denver is full of shit.

It's amazing how much unborn babies crave ice cream...

On an almost daily basis, I am tricked into thinking the compost bin is a cookie jar. The compost bin that I bought and use daily #CruelMind

Trapped in the house by a mean woodchuck outside the door. #TypicalDesignerProblems

This heavy animal poop smell is really cramping my need for open windows today. #SeriouslyWhereIsThatPoopSmellComingFrom?!

Dear baby, We have 2 choices for sleeping: left side or right side. All of the violent kicking protest to the options is getting old #Week34

@tt_patron was that you shining your lights in my windows all night off rush?

It's like some nights my body completely forgets how to sleeps with arms. #CompletelyAsleep #TingleForDays

can't decide if I win best wife or worst wife after last nights dinner - grilled cheese sammies and vanilla ice cream.

Life tip. If the plastic sheet you're using as a back windshield blows off if you go over 30 mph, it's time for a new solution.

@ChelsieUselman a catnap?

@CoolCatAdam21 sorry I made you cry from teasing you at Easter. #ThoughtYouAlreadyKnewTheEasterBunnyWasntReal

Forgot to have a glass of milk with that cookie. Guess I'll have to have another one and do it the right way. #problemz

@thetallfinndian 🎶 mahhh sibenyahhhh! Bidi bee see-mo ma! Whenn yah-ahh 🎶