Julius† 🔴

I keep telling wimens wajue kuomba mechi. Jiombee hii brungo Susanna. Hamtaumwa na tumbo. Repeat after me. Tell that guy unatakaga akukojoleshe, You, Me, Mechi, Now!. Take for example this neighbour of mine back in Mombasa. We used to stay in the same "plot" hapo Mtopanga. The whole "Ploti", sote tulikuwa mabachelor na mabachelorette except this one woman. She told us, "Mimi ni mke wa mtu msinione hivyo. Bwanangu alienda uharabuni". Mechi zilikuwa zinatembea hio "ploti", wacha tu. For two years, I hadn't seen anyone come or go in her house. She woke up one day asubuhi and told me, "hii Ploti iko na mashetani. Wamenit*mba usiku mzima". "Uko sure sio ndoto mami?", I asked her. "Ndoto na mpaka nilimwaga. Nilishusha sana", she exclaimed. My mind was screaming, "too much information". But watu wa Mombasa kitu hawanaga ni haya. "Ulikuwa macho", I asked her. "Nilikuwa usingizini. Lakini ilikuwa real na tena tamu. Nikiamka ndio nilikuwa namwaga", she told me. Aiiiiiiiii. Hata nyinyi mmeona she was giving me too much information. "Nikuulize, siku ya mwisho wewe kuwa na mwanaume ni lini?", I asked her. "Kitambo. Wajua Bwanangu ameishi uharabuni two years sasa huu ni mwaka wa tatu", she told me. "Basi hayo sio mashetani. Ni mwili tu unakukumbusha wewe ni mwanamke", I told her na story ikaisha. Days that followed she told me, "haki siku hizi imekuwa kila siku. Mimi nat*mbwa tena sana". Nikashindwa nitasema nini. One night, she opened the door for me since she was the one I called nikija kuchelewa. It was towards 1AM in the morning. "Pole nimekuamsha" I apologised. "Nimeshindwa hata kulala. Wajua hii ndio masaa huwa yananikujia", she told me. "Sasa haulali?",I asked her. "Si unikalishe mpaka saa tisa", she requested me. Nilivyo Mshamba, nikaingia kwake. "Sasa, Kati ya Mimi na mashetani, unafaa uogope nini sana?", I asked her. "Heri wewe", she told me.. She asked me to help her put a box up a cupboard. It wasn't a heavy carton but she wanted to help me. She was holding my arms nikiinua "Unanguvu jameni?", she commented. "Haikuwa nzito. Hata wewe naweza kuinua", I joked. Saa Saba usiku joking with a woman in her house. Halafu mashetani iwe mashetani kweli itupate tufirwe sote. Hata Mimi sijipendi walahi. "Mimi ni heavy machine", she told me. Nikainua mama kumuonyesha yeye ni light weight. "Unataka nikuwekelee wapi?", I asked her. She pointed at her bed. By the time she got to her bed, Mjomba Mimi nilikuwa nishaamtoa leso nimegeuka mapepo yenyewe. Kumshika kidogo, anataka kuzima. She was gnashing her teeth akipiga manduru. Had to slap her because she wanted to lose consciousness. Halafu oyaaa, the day utasikia mumamaz akikwambia inaingia vizuri, chomoa. Ni Mimba inaingia vizuri. Senzii.

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what do you need rn? Impressions Engagements Followers

When I left Mombasa for Nairobi, nilitua Pipeline. Like most people who have just moved to Nairobi, I needed a job like yesterday. A friend called: “Kesho enda near Nyayo Stadium. Sales & marketing opening. My auntie’s firm. They need 10 people.” The next morning, I overslept 😭 By the time I got to Nyayo, I was running late. Crossing the road carelessly, I almost got knocked into next week by a heavily tinted black Land Cruiser. The driver leaned on the horn. AIIIIII 😭 “Senziii!” I apologised with hand gestures, picked my scattered documents and rushed on. When I got to the office, my confidence packed its bags immediately. Lobby imejaa watu. Most people knew each other. Many had worked there before. I called my friend: “How many people did you say they wanted?” “Ten.” There were at least 40 people. Most had experience. Most were known. Me? Nilikuwa na certificates na misplaced confidence 😭 I decided to leave. Halfway down the stairs, I almost bumped into a lady coming up. “You seem to be in a hurry,” she said. “I’m leaving. Too many people upstairs. Sina chance.” She smiled. “Stay for the interview. Even if they don’t take you, at least you’ll have attended one.” I looked at her. Openly 😭 “Tell you what,” I said, “if they don’t take me, you’re giving me your number. At least I won’t go home empty-handed.” She laughed. Then held my hand. “Come. Let’s see this interview through.” A few minutes later, interviews started. Groups of five. Those who passed were sent to another room. The lady disappeared. Clearly, alikuwa ameomoka 😭 Soon it was my turn. I walked into the interview room… …and burst out laughing. Everyone froze. Who laughs in an interview jameni? 😭 The two men on the panel looked offended. Then the lady seated between them looked up. Saw me. Started laughing too 😭 Turns out… She was the one driving the Land Cruiser that almost sent me to meet my ancestors that morning 😭 And yes… She was the boss. Najua mngojea part ya ess na majegi 😭 Lakini kwanza, niruhusuni nipate kazi.

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Unions snub Farage's invite to join Reform UK bbc.in/4v02r7Y

The best skin care routine is having money, anything else is a lie.

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Kenneth Okonkwo said that Peter Obi would travel to meet people in the diaspora, collect shishi from them, pocket the money, and then return to Nigeria claiming, “We no dey give shishi. PETER OBI is a 419 politician.

🚨 Manchester United are exploring a potential deal for Mateus Fernandes. West Ham value him at around £80m and are in no rush to sell him. As of now, there has been no official contact between the two clubs. #MUFC [Sky]

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