Devon Harris

Seasons of the Story has dropped! 15 Stories + 1 completely new story = thousands and thousands of letters. T is in there a bunch. Lots of M’s Absolutely zero P’s   Available at thestorymustbetold.com right now! And now! Aaaaand - wait - yes - now!

ok this has been fun! Thanks for bearing with me, at times. I killed john f kennedy and I’d do it again! (poof!)

I don’t “dump” technically what I do is called a “shove” so it wasn’t me

Truly love when airports get updated and then they make signs about it that say shit like LAX GOT A FACELIFT 😜 and FRESH NEW TITS, SAME OLD DALLAS

opened an Uncle Anne’s in the mall and we serve pretzels that are so hard they’ll break your fuckin teeth

this 👏 is 👏 why 👏 voting 👏matters

@_DanFisher @ksorbs hahahaha

@ksorbs Do you mean “paid”

If you went to college and payed off your loans all by yourself congrats! You will now help other people pay off theirs.

when someone asks me if I've heard of a new restaurant

(on my death bed, my family around me, thinking if I look long enough I’ll remember. I know that’s not true. Darkness comes. It’s warm. The beeping intensifies. I have time to say one more thing - one more I love you as I straddle both worlds) “That’s it. That’s the tweet.”

Twitter says im not “allowed” to delete this

(making small talk in 1250 BC) yeah so I’m originally from Thebes but- (bird rips head off)

thought this was mcdonalds finally giving us hotdogs

just got a job at the bottled water factory filling each bottle up to the brim

bank? no sir ain’t no bank here just me and my my uh my cargo I’m a cargo guy so I’ve never defrauded anyone

When I lived in Sacramento I watched Santa Claus pull a bank teller into the street by his hair and shoot him in the head.

(on trial in new york) your honor my client would like to keep it a bean for a sec (attorney-client whispering) so your honor if we're being real, he actually did chop up his landlord into little pieces

you’re telling me that in the 1970s a bunch of teachers and parents and classmates knew a little boy named ~Paul Hollywood~ and were just like yeah ok that’s fine ???????????????

AMERICANS ARE… _ humping the pump _ pumpin some grumps _ chumpin their dumps X paying at the pump

why