Stap the Mattness

Oh great, another day of Matt knows everything and everyone else is an idiot.

i’m finding this year after year thing pretty tedious & have decided i no longer have time for it

The invitation said "until: ?" I've been at this bbq for 6 years.

Headset on. Talking into my headset. Coworker standing beside me awkwardly- “hey are you on a call?”

A simpler time, when only some of hell would break loose.

Bubly is interesting, they’ve got flavours like peach and orange, but the ingredients are carbonated water and “natural flavours”. Okay, so like peaches and oranges?

sewing a quilt made out of nicotine patches

When basketball players flex both biceps after getting the ball in the net, like how heavy is that basketball? Must be pretty heavy.

eating ice cream every time i want a smoke i’m swelling i’m swell things are going swell

Building a snowman so I can punch it in the face

trying to turn feeling like I got hit by a truck into something positive

Babe you keep knocking the drinks over with your puffy coat

why the fuck does my furnace smell like Cocoa Puffs

Mom’s spaghetti, winter’s about to get heavy (putting on my snowsuit) you get me

My God, the weather outside IS frightful. It's all coming true.

Married couple out jogging together like their new year’s resolution is to get a divorce.

My vibe? Being on a fifth round of trying to scrub burnt food off a cookie sheet and slowly starting to give up on life and everything it has to offer.

I called the sun out yesterday and this morning it came out so hard I couldn’t see a goddamn thing on the way to the office.

Wash a handful of multivitamins down with an ice cold pilsner. Ease into those resolutions.

I bought new winter boots not realizing what I would need was new rain boots

I haven’t seen the sun in 17 days, is that big shiny bitch on vacation?