5.🪐

My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don't like that kid's mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I'll see you in hell, Bethany.

Me and a cop were stuck at a red light down town for like 5 minutes and no other cars were around and he looked over at me and nodded, then we both ran the red light together

So a dude at the gas station kept staring out his car window at me so i asked him "Do you want my number?" this nigga gone roll the window down & say "Naw i was wondering if you can pump my gas when you finish yours cause it's cold as a bitch out here" YALL😒😒

My friend just said that tonight her boyfriend quietly got up from the couch, went into the kitchen, measured out all the ingredients to make pancakes, made One Single Pancake, sat back down on the couch, ate it quietly, and did not even ask her if she wanted one

When we were little my parents threw us a NYE party but set all the clocks forward so we thought it was midnight at 8:00. They put us to bed, brought in the babysitter, and went out for the night. This is the type of parent I aspire to be.

i'm CRYING. y'all know how AMC theaters have assigned seats?! so this group of like 5 white girls were sitting next to me, why this black lady walk up to them w/ her daughter & say "Alright colonizers get tf up. I paid for these mfs.."😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 i couldn’t breathe.

My boyfriend was half asleep rn & since we didn't pray I put my hand on his head and whispered my prayer in spanish...BRO TELL ME HOW this mf slaps my hand and goes crazy talking about " Hell nah bitch, you ain't pulling that voodoo shit on me tonight.." like whaaaat!!😭😭😭💀

6 year old son: mom if you see a bump in my pants, that's just the natural bump that happens sometimes Me: [not wanting to ask further questions] o...k Turned out he had a bag of Doritos shoved in his pants so he could sneak them into his room.

TikTok so mf funny. This girl posted how she met a man 6/25, said "I love you" 7/6, moved in 7/12, pregnant 8/18- somebody gon comment "so you never seen him in a winter coat?''😭😭😭

Imagine getting in a cab blacked out tryna make it home and you wake up with $3000 in your pocket. You panic cause you don't know how you got the money, 10 months later you're watching tv and see your drunk ass getting in the back of the Cash Cab and nailing all the questions

the funniest thing i've ever said was on march 18th 2009 to my dad's cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said "oh shit is your ride here" and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight

Somehow managed to show train ticket inspector my period tracking app instead of the barcode, at which he squinted and READ OUT 'didn't have sex' to the entire carriage

my mom and I were driving and I decided to call my grandma and my grandma was like "hey sweetie I can't talk right now, your mom's at my door" and i was like "grandma I'm driving with my mom right now" and my grandma just said "oh darn you caught me, I just don't want to talk"

WOMEN WHO HAVE WAISTS LIKE THIS🫶 please please please share your workout/eating habits…

I'll never forget one time I was dating this guy and apparently some girl that I followed on here was his ex, and I had no clue. She'd be tweeting shit like "his new bitch could never!!" and I'd be retweeting her like "💅 period sis!!" Whole time the bitch was me

Lmaoooo My brother girlfriend just offered me $1000 to tell her where he at 🥴GIRL ion know nun about a white Honda parked at 1912 copper ave 35215 with A light skin bitch with 3 and half scoops of hair🥴😭

I drunkenly ordered maccys four times last night because I kept forgetting I'd ordered it, they all arrived at my house before I did🙃🙃x

My Uber profile says I'm deaf so when I get into Uber's I usually just sign hello to them and don't speak anymore but this Uber driver just called someone and said "this deaf bitch just got in so l can talk for a minute" Imfaooooo

I had an Uber driver pick me up and be like "Hey is it okay if I talk to my mom on the phone?" Had her mom through the car speakers talking about her on/off lesbian situationship, daughter just sighing and telling her she needs to end it. Was fantastic. Amazing ride💀

I think I was 7?... I was misbehaving at dinner so my parents sent me to my room. I was dramatic af and cried out my window to the whole neighborhood. Then the window screen broke and I fell 2 stories. I got up and rang the doorbell to tell my parents I fell out the window.