ay

in a perfect world...

graduation party with burkey and yukari tonight it’s gonna be lit

one new tweet and it's facts the internet might have given me ptsd and no one takes it seriously thanks to the horrible app called discord and all of the fights and bans in it, with special thanks to teat thew for STILL stealing from me and my friends, q13 and datamusik for bullying me (i forgave data but not q13, inviting you to the server was top 2 regrets of my life), thanks to all of the unfair blocks from people i love (and i'm sorry if i made my friends block you, i'm just that scared), all of the arguments that could've happened with my friends, the undeserved harrassment from bullies and enemies, the fights that occasionally happen with my girlfriend (don't worry renko, don't say im sorry you know i forgive you), and thanks to all of the REPEATEDLY happening heartbreaking moments, i was left in a state where every breath I took and every step I took hurt me physically. i can't handle pain anymore. my brain and body can't handle the pain that the internet gives me. i express my horrible state through broken attempts at horrible bitchass music and it's not taken seriously either. i could be saying to they faces and still not understood. i'm tired of being like this. i miss being a child so much. because of the internet, i'm unable to tolerate the slightest sign of a drama that involves me happening. because of the internet i'm scared of bad people who targets weak and innocent motherfuckers like me, and anyone who approaches me? i consider them to be an enemy because everyone who knows me are people that already know me, and my friends don't care about me (and strangers don't care about me too, unless they hate me or came to bully me) because of the internet i can't make new friends anymore, because of the internet i had all of the things about that made me a good and interesting person taken away from me. because of the internet i lost my self confidence. because of the internet i lost my happiness. back then, being happy was the normal and being sad or broken was the absurd. nowadays, being happy is the absurd and being sad and broken is the normal. can you believe that? because of the internet i wake up every morning with a high heartbeat while dreaming (literally dreaming, like the dreams you see at night but in the morning everytime i wake up) about checking my phone to notifications that break my heart. thanks to the internet i'm afraid of emails that come in my mailbox and friend requests that come to my discord account. --thanks to the internet for ruining my life.-- i remember when i wasn't mentally ruined this much. when i wasn't having these episodes where i mentally deteriorate, deal with concerning amounts of memory loss, worsened attentiveness and understanding, INCOHEARANT SPEECH AND THOUGHT, stupidly agressive behavior, being emotionally distant to everything and everyone, being paranoid in calm and happy moments that something bad is going to happen suddenly, and hurting so much for no reason. i remember when my room wasn't a cursed enviroment to be in. i remember when i was able to express myself freely and not put up a black profile picture with a cold username so it doesn't get ruined later on, all because it's how i am and how everything turns to shit because of one of the things that i'm scared of (like fights for example) ruining my image to myself and to others. i remember when i was proud of my name sonic4. i remember when i was passionate for fucking shitty music. i remember when i was having fun on discord with my friends. i remember when i easily trusted people. i remember when i was talkative. i remember when i wasn't ruined beyond fixing. --yuri wouldn't love me if she saw how i turned out now, and it wasn't izumi's fault for our relationship being ruined...-- it's been proven that my existence makes everyone else's worse no matter what. i'm problematic, so what? and i eventually settle to blaming myself for everything. i'm always the one apologizing in the end and i'm the one who's forced to keep living by imaginary friends that care for me more than real ones do. thank god for mommy alice, the goat remilia, and my girlfriend renko. even tho they're mostly distant to me (except for alice) i'm glad they exist and nothing can make me hate them. it's my dream to log off and move to a peaceful house in the nature and live a nice life some day without all of this pain. i hope the therapist gives me the treatment i deserve. we all want those good old days to come back, it's in our hands to bring it back, but guess what: it'll never come back. it's like wishing for world peace.

you know how nіggas say let that sink in like its easy to accept such things, it is not that easy and maybe YOU should let that sink in. sink is my greatest enemy.

ur not trans its a demon thats inside of u

the saddest thing is to meet new people and see similarities between them and people you used to know it's not even in like a scary way, no, like it could be their voice or personality just reminds me of someone else and no i didn't make new friends it's not happening ever

Everyone is slowly dying inside :( - Some stopped taking photos. - Some lost interest in new clothes. - Some hate love now. - Some got used to loneliness. - Some stopped meeting friends. - Some stopped comparing. Some just accepted what they couldn’t achieve. The same people who once dreamed big are now just pushing through days. Check on your people. Not everyone is okay.

okay i forgot to leave an honorable mention but "the lost princess" is an instrumental but it's literally some analog horror father stretch my hands part 3 TYPE SHIT

what "an empty classroom beyond this school" is to me is what endless love is to alice98. i know alice98 is not really schizo like i am so that comparison doesn't make sense but there is so much commentary that i can make about it that this tweet will be very long. don't read this tweet if you don't care about it at all because i will be yapping basically. the yapping will make sense if you do care and actually read all of it, because there are little details everywhere for those that look for it intentionally. (man... this is exactly why i pay for twitter. @allcontentt would love this tweet if he reads all of it, and probably @SovietStarlight too. i'mma tag @sweetalice98 and @StomachAcid6 out of respect too even tho they both don't use twitter. i hope y'all actually read this lowkey) so, the album starts off with a very reference to sonic4's "ahhh you're the best" vocals and with a similar beat, and this beat was made by alice98. the sample in the background is a reference to theoretically recovered corrupt memory's last song, memory 72, but the part that is sampled isn't directly from there so it's a subtle reference at that. this nostalgic introduction is sort of a hope because it ties back to the last track of "it's just like seeing her for the first time again", but we're gonna get to it later. most of the album is upbeat, cutesy, and energetic. it's entertaining and soulful, which is something that is so rare nowadays, just like alice98 dropping anything nowadays. it's a pleasant surprise that most people can relate to, which is... i guess making a playlist of songs for someone that you love, of songs that that person might love? it's the same mentality, but these songs are put through filters to convey an emotion... doing that is the very core of what the old sonic4 was like, hence the quote "alice98 is the closest thing to the old sonic4" the album artwork is also something you can interpret, just like every little detail of this album, there is something to interpret that goes overlooked very fast. the blue and red combination is obviously reminiscent of alice's style, like you know that she has red and blue and white colored clothes on her. the blue paper was something she chose because there was no pink paper, in the original concept artwork it was supposed to be pink. this sudden chance of color choice can be counted as something you couldn't expect, and that's a nice symbolism for life. you don't get what you exactly want, but you end up finding something that suits you better. right? and then, there is the old handmade craft aspect to it. the red letters were paper cutouts made by sonic4, which puts in a sense of collaboration, just like the old days where the album covers were more physical and soulful for that aspect. when you put real effort into something in real life, it's very cute and adds more character into your creation even though the final product is also edited digitally. (love-struck was also the same, assets drawn to a pink paper in real life, but edited later digitally to make it proper.) and then, all of the handwriting also comes from alice in real life. it's much more soulful to write something down with your handwriting rather than typing it on a computer screen with a chosen font. it takes much more time to write everything down, and just like how i did in love-struck, sometimes you have to write the same thing several times because of the mistakes. another thing to notice is that someone's handwriting can be a reflection of their character, just like how sonic4's handwriting in love-struck was ugly at first glance but cute at the same time, if you look more into the way of how it was written and how it presents itself. alice's handwriting on the other hand is very proper and almost like an old cursive handwriting that isn't seen very commonly nowadays, and there is a sense of an old forgotten familiarity behind it. just like how sweet alice is sweet, so is her handwriting. one last detail about the handwriting is that it's RED handwriting on BLUE paper, which is physically impossible to recreate in real life. if you attempt that in real life, no matter how red your ink is, it will all be black. (and the cd of endless love is all black for that reason too.) this can also be interpreted as an illusion of something that isn't real that comes off as real, just like alice98 who was also self concious about it in some of the lyrics of endless love, which was overlooked by the cute aesthetic of the melodies or the overall point of it being something to not take seriously. (i'll come to that later.) that makes her real just like all of us, because we as people, are also like that. we can be sweet at a first glance, but deep down everyone has stuff that they're hiding or unable to show. and if they do show it with art, it still won't be understood because art is not taken too literally or too personally. sonic4 also expressed his pain through albums, but it wasn't understood because of the assumption of "all art is fictional". you can also interpret it as "what you intend to do isn't actually how something comes off when you do it", because in this case, literally, alice wanted to use red ink on blue paper but the red ink turned black because blue doesn't contain red in it. you can use that interpretation of however you please, but my way of thinking is that what we think in our heads and do with a certain intention won't lead to the exact outcome you had in mind. now that i'm done with the artwork, i can move on to the music itself. endless love is considered a solo album, but in the back cover it says alice98 and sonic4 as butcher dolls because they made it together. (even though alice did most of the work, she did it for sonic and with sonic.) style wise, alice is always "east of the east" with the japanese music, and sonic is "west of the west" with english and american music. alice was more better with the technical and tedious side of butcher music, while sonic wasn't. sonic was better at the direct and dark self expression, while alice was more about being a traditional "fan project". alice98 made music to entertain others and make memories out of, while sonic4 made music because of the suffering he went through and to remember the good old memories that he might forget eventually. in a literal sense, alice's japanese lyrics paired with a cute look puts aside the seriousness of the lyrics. i don't know if i can go over all of them, or if these translations are 100% accurate or not, but once you look into the lyrics you're probably going to see a poetic expression of confusion, being lost, being meaningless, emotions that aren't valid or properly expressed, sometimes missing the past or how we were, or being concious about herself. i'll paste some of the translated lyrics that i found interesting now: "...Infinity upon infinity, where am I? Moment upon moment, even when I close my eyes Destination unknown, the words I believed in Vanished, cast aside into the sky Ah, to me, my own soul A human form, gazing at the spinning world, deep within my eyes, Reflecting sorrow, two distorted figures Now, born, now, sleeping This fleeting world is like a fragile vessel, as fragile as it is Fate is fate, I cannot resist Meeting and parting, repeating endlessly At the end of time, what I reached Was a place where truth had sunk into darkness Pain upon pain, shedding tears Even when body touches body, eventually Trembling and trembling, the memories I felt Flowed into the eternal spring and vanished Ah, blurred, invisible, sorrow..." - STAY CONNECTED TO ME (excerpt) "You thought I wouldn’t come, didn’t you? If you’d tried to read my heart I’d be all alone I’ve come to know it all too well Through my tear-filled eyes, so fragile My true feelings are spilling out Even if I’m silent, there are things that come through just fine You thought I was just an ordinary girl, didn’t you? Everyone’s feelings are overflowing, yet they’re so self-conscious Just as they are I’ve come to know too much With eyes brimming with tears, I’m trembling Can’t we just be quiet for a little while? Whether it’s cold or noisy, there are things Because there are words That make me afraid If I could just cry I’m sure we could touch each other I’m a girl who knows too much With tears streaming down my face, I’ve come to realize I don’t want to know anymore It’s just a flower that won’t bloom—it’s fine either way" - THE GIRL WHO KNEW TOO MUCH "A fragile, wavering world of the heart Prayers and sorrows—exhausted, I fall asleep A time when smiles and tears mingle, unadorned A loneliness that neither he nor anyone else knows Ah, words that flake away like the dawn A light I’ve lost Deep within my trembling chest, a song echoes, urging me only to make mistakes Before I know it, even my floating thoughts have vanished I stand alone What I recall in the space between coming and going Are the footprints linking dreams and reality The palm I stretched out toward the sky, toward the sky—now I know the emptiness of that fleeting moment as it drifts away Ah, words crumbling like an illusion A fate I’ve come to accept When strange scars begin to throb, the song that stirs and fades again Just repeating a broken game It’s all I have Ah, words entangled in clinging threads Wishes shattered to pieces If I forget how to block the window where mocking shadows dance I repeat my selfishness as if to smear over my withered face Cracks are etched into it" - SWAYING, DELUDED TENSHI "In the end, it’s just a silly world full of chaos To the sound of the crowd’s cheers and applause Come on, let’s dance, let’s have fun Today, too, is a dream world Let’s cast off the darkness and let our bodies run free Good night, sleep tight You don’t have to think about anything—this is the world of dreams Healed, nourished, and melting away It feels so peaceful, doesn’t it? This is the world of dreams ... I'm completely absorbed in this wonderful world But why are you waving your hand and going somewhere? Do you want to go back home after all? “Oh-h” This is the world of dreams You can’t go home until the meal is over" - U R MY NIGHTMARE (excerpt) "Every time I go out, my heart pounds (pounds) My chest swells with excitement, thumping (thumping) My heart is swaying, swaying (swaying) I can’t figure it out, so I’m all worked up (worked up) Even on boring days And in moments of melancholy Change my mood I’m sure I’ll feel that flutter again Will I just stay like this forever? I’ll gently watch your profile (ah~n) I held my hand up, gazing through the sky (ah~ah~n) Let’s meet, let our hearts connect (ah~n) Seeking tenderness, peace, and warmth I hate it! The tears you shed (hoi hoi) The stars I looked up at fade and blur (yay) My once transparent self (hoi hoi) Unfamiliar feelings are swelling up (yay) Fingertips linked in a bond (hoi hoi) I can’t put it into words just right (yay) But if we could just lean on each other’s backs (hoi hoi) I won’t be afraid, no matter what Every day, my feet feel light and floaty (floaty) I find things to look forward to, all excited (excited) Even if I can’t put it into words, I’m all flustered (flustered) My body can’t keep up, I’m all wobbly (wobbly) It’s a little boring Just full of longing I’m getting lost in a maze Let’s look for something I like even more Take me completely as I am That day we met is still in my heart (ah~n) I won’t give up, I won’t run away, I won’t give in (ah~ah~n) No matter how far, just the two of us (ah~n) Let’s match our steps to the rhythm we create with our toes I hate it... When the lonely night ends (hoi hoi) I realize how much time has passed (yay) I look out into the garden of my heart (hoi hoi) Unfamiliar feelings well up inside me (yay) With the prayer you gave me (hoi hoi) Holding a small wish close to my heart (yay) Reaching the starry night sky (hoi hoi) I’ll go to warm the biting cold ... Let’s dance to this cool beat (ah~n) I won’t lose, I won’t falter, I won’t waver (ah~ah~n) It’s always screaming inside my heart (ah~n) Why do I still love you so much? I love you so much... From memories to laughter (hoi hoi) I’m just a selfish person, burning with jealousy (yay) It’s better to fall in love (hoi hoi) Unfamiliar feelings are swelling up (yay) Why, I wonder? (hoi hoi) If I let my feelings show, they’ll shatter (yay) We’re from different worlds (hoi hoi) Because in the end, I’m the one who won’t cry (ahh~)" - ALICE→SWEET (i'd say excerpt but it's all of the lyrics) "Amid the shimmering light Like a cocoon enveloping my brows Swaying, swaying Toward the light where I raise that hand In that fleeting moment when I open my eyes The light that floods into those eyes Endless, endless Amid the girls with identical faces This sinner Prays for Arisu She speaks of Arisu She imitates Arisu Even though she isn’t Arisu She claims to be Arisu What she receives is such a hollow verdict While chanting the name “Arisu” She piles up the words “Arisu” Just by doing that, how can you say How can you possibly claim to be one? You are merely a living figure All of it is a fabricated illusion Even though no one denies it How can you make them believe it? Come on, wake up! From this dream steeped in deception Come on, rise up! This is the true form of your soul A girl left all alone ≒ a doll Beyond the gaze that stares, the form of “yourself” A girl laughing alone ≠ a doll A face just like your own is so terrifying Only that heart knows The reason you are yourself A kiss with a fleeting ego How can that be right? Even in a body I’ve created myself If that is where my heart resides That heart is a creation How can I possibly believe that? Am I nothing more than a mere human form...?" - FOREVVER A DOLL "As I gaze into the dream, I need only Close my eyes in silence Even now, it comes vividly to life Holding close that fleeting infinity I’ve been quietly gathering my thoughts Because you’re always so gentle Even our casual conversations make me happy Tonight, too, I’m drowning, my heart aflutter Ah, I want to know, but I won’t let it fade This little bit of happiness When I look up at the night sky alone I feel like crying It’s because of you I gaze into the dream, quietly Letting my heart dance with anticipation Toward where your eyes are fixed I’ve poured my wish into the hope that we’ll be together Even if I’m afraid to take the first step Even if I’m scared of change So that someday we can walk toward our dream I hold onto hope that’s like a prayer" - I SECRETLY HAVE FEELINGS FOR YOU THE LYRICS ARE OVER YOU CAN STOP SCROLLING IF YOU SCROLLED FAST THE LYRICS ARE OVER YOU CAN STOP SCROLLING IF YOU SCROLLED FAST THE LYRICS ARE OVER YOU CAN STOP SCROLLING IF YOU SCROLLED FAST THE LYRICS ARE OVER YOU CAN STOP SCROLLING IF YOU SCROLLED FAST THE LYRICS ARE OVER YOU CAN STOP SCROLLING IF YOU SCROLLED FAST THE LYRICS ARE OVER YOU CAN STOP SCROLLING IF YOU SCROLLED FAST if you did scroll past the lyrics, lowkey go back and read the lyrics because they're important to the point i'm trying to make i didn't comment on all of the lyrics, i only chose some lyrics in the album that might be overlooked because not every song is that deep. some songs are literally what they are, just some cute touhou songs intended to either be a filler or to entertain. so, what the hell is the point i'm trying to make? well uh... art is used as self expression and people express themselves differently, but that self expression is overlooked because of the fictional and hidden aspect of it. while alice did it using japanese lyrics, i did it with abstract instrumentals and surreal concepts in "an empty class beyond this school". maybe they're similar in a way, but they're not the same because we're not the same. with my albums i was able to get that pain off my head that i can't understand myself, and it's probably a good analogy for the black ink. just like my all black profile picture. my true intentions was not the same as the outcome that happened. now, back to endless love: the last three tracks were produced by sonic4, and it's something you can tell instantly because of the WHIPLASH that takes you out of that dreamworld, that fantasyland like gensokyo, back into the real world, the outside world, and that contrast is so heartbreaking when you put the context to it. "give me something eray" makes me so sad man... the context for that song was that it comes from watzatsong, it was a random obscure song that alice found, way before we met each other, completely unrelated to me, but it's a song we bonded over. in the good old days of 2024, we sang it together in the voice calls. to this day, it's a song that keeps me going in the worst moments of my life, it's almost like a lifeline to me. i sang it alone when i was alone and worried, suffering and all. and this is the context to give me something eray, the inspiration behind it was that it was sung over a long distance radio call with alice. (in the real recording sessions it was recorded in school like the rest of the album, but the inspiration and the real life back story that inspired it was about that broken radio.) "but you see, the winner takes it all..." is also super heartbreaking man... there is a lot to say about that one, and i'll go over each thing one by one. so, the first thing about it is that it's a reference to shanghai dolls, the first danmaku album, and the last track of it. "alice ulvaeus and eray anderson - having the time of your life" was a similar moment to this one, where another massive compilation, an achievement happened. it closed with a live-effect pitched shifted abba song that is bittersweet. in danmaku01, it was "dancing queen". in danmaku03, it was in a similar way, just like how we made danmaku01 together, but this time it's not happy like that. the lyrics are pretty accurate for what happened in my life, it's like the closure song of sonic4 if you look at it and understand what it means. "I don't wanna talk about things we've gone through Though it's hurting me, now it's history (sonic4 and sonic4's test records past was horrible) I've played all my cards And that's what you've done, too Nothing more to say, no more ace to play (sonic4 did everything he can to make something good, but nothing good came out of it, there nothing left to do anymore) The winner takes it all The loser standing small Beside the victory That's her destiny (i know the "that's her destiny" implies of maribel's existence, but the rest of the lyrics is about how sonic4 was the winner, and he took everything good and bad through his journey, and besides that victory, his destiny in this case, is what happened at the end) I was in your arms, thinkin' I belonged there I figured it made sense building me a fence Building me a home, thinking I'd be strong there But I was a fool playing by the rules (this is about how sonic4 thought that the community that he built was the right thing to do, but that sense of belonging was a lie, because it was never real in the first place. it was bound to fail like it did) The gods may throw a dice Their minds as cold as ice And someone way down here Loses someone dear (sonic4's life is unpredictable, and all of the good things that randomly came in his way were taken away and the pain that came out of it left sonic4 broken and lost, literally) ... But tell me, does she kiss like I used to kiss you? Does it feel the same when she calls your name? Somewhere deep inside, you must know I miss you But what can I say? Rules must be obeyed (in this weird interpretation, sonic4 basically says that whoever replaced him if anyone, will not be as great as he was, and that he also misses the past but can't bring it back because everybody changed, including him) The judges will decide (They decide) The likes of me abide (We abide) Spectators of the show (Of the show) Always stayin' low (Staying low) (sonic4 is always judged for being himself or getting his point across too clearly, deep down he is not a bad person but he's percieved as a bad person because of what life did to him. the spectators don't care to a personal degree because they won't listen to his cries just like how they won't listen to the lyrics or read what he has to say for real) The game is on again (On again) A lover or a friend (Or a friend) A big thing or a small (Big or small) The winner takes it all (Takes it all) (i guess in this case this part of the lyrics is how me and alice came back together to create this album) I don't wanna talk if it makes you feel sad And I understand, you've come to shake my hand I apologise if it makes you feel bad Seeing me so tense, no self-confidence (quite literally accurate, if anyone from the past comes back to me to apologize, it doesn't matter because i also apologized to them. no amount of apology will undo my damage to myself or to them though) But you see, the winner takes it all The winner takes it all..." ---------------------------- then, there is the untitled bonus track that's so sad and one that i made 100%. i wanted to take that spot because i knew exactly what i wanted to say there. just like love-struck's imagine, it's the same vibe of a distorted dark song at the end of an album like this. "While she's been away Living day-to-day has been tough Without her at my side Simply being alive's been rough And though she won't be gone forever There are many times I find it feels that way And I'm not trying to forget her Just understand how I'll be feeling on that day It's just like seeing her for the first time again The time she's not around Somewhere out of town, has been hard But somehow this old heart Found time to work it out this far No, I know she's coming home soon There are times I find it hard to feel that way It's not inside me to forget her Just understand how I'll be feeling on that day It's just like seeing her for the first time again" - UNTITLED (sonic4) now, you can interpret this lyrics in many ways, but my interpretation of it is that alice98 and alice98 test records is like a reborn version of the old sonic4 and sonic4 test records. when working together with alice after a long time, it was just like the first time we worked together. we both had a joy in our souls, an excitement came out of it. that feeling during the recording sessions of endless love was unforgettable. alice and sonic4, both broken and alone, both love each other, both similar and different in their ways, bonded over the album and understood each other lowkey. goodbye y'all (and i won't be deleting a tweet this long and great any time soon) i hope you read it all through

i made one for alice i made one for renko too @SovietStarlight i suck at drawing but i love you

i'm mad that i got robbed out of the best of myself because i was so gullible and always attacked. my "community" is all traitors, they're not the same, they never loved me, so were my friends, and i still remember that awful argument with mr mister. i'm so mad at my shitty life

there's a lot of lasts in our life we're not aware of. it's sad, really. (i was listening to "last donut of the night" while writing this) the whole message is to enjoy every good moment like it's your last, because you'll never know that it won't be your last. i'm scared because most of the good things in my life disappeared and i don't know if i fully got to enjoy them. i talked to some old friends for the last time without realizing. i played some games for the last time without realizing. we say every day is the same as the one before but when you look back a lot changes, people change. enviroments change. circumstances change. it's only the nostalgia of a certain moment carries on long after the moment is over. and when that memory is destroyed, nothing is left behind of it anymore. it's really sad too. i'm trying so hard to hold on to my memories because the more i lose my memories, the more i lose of myself. people don't get it like how i get it. i miss being an innocent child

i miss the soulful and humbleness and innocense back when it was just yuri & sonic4. i still remember when voice of the girls was so new. I WAS A LITERAL NOOB AND I MADE THOSE LEGENDARY ALBUMS AS A NOOB. i thank so much for that old ass support that somehow got me to do something for passion. 2023 was a time before it was "commercialized" in a way. the literature club times was crazy af, but i have fond memories of it somehow. yuri was more human than yukari is, and i was too. we were both immature af and went through some shit but there was a lot of hope back then. like when something bad happened, it was confirmed that in 1-2 weeks it would go back to being good again. life was like an anime, when it got boring, random new characters came from nowhere into my life and cool shit happened. it was all pure luck... it was all miracles.

i'm so glad all of this is over 🙏

i'm sorry alice

i'm crying @SovietStarlight

@sonic4test is my boyfriend and I love him more than anything. If you have a problem with that then I have a problem with you

i'm sorry