Ass. Dean Junior

Dear Colleague, You know, I hate to admit it, but it's almost like university administrators might not have a plan for fall semester! 🤷🏼‍♀️

Dear Colleague, Yes, final grades are in, but I've encouraged all my underperforming students to reach out to their instructors about the possibility of earning extra credit. Is that a problem for you?

Dear Colleague, I strongly object to a faculty union. The dean says we're all compensated well enough already and I totally believe him! #CaseClosed

Dear Colleague, Yes that industry job pays $60k more, has better benefits and bonuses, greater career and geographic mobility and much friendlier co-workers, but how will you *really* feel not having papers to grade or a grad student to hand hold, hmm???

Dear Colleague, Sometimes it feels as if the dean has no management experience at all, but I know he does have experience because he's managed multiple classes plus a grad student in the past! #TransferableSkills

Dear Colleague, Bad news. The people who run our state retirement account invested heavily in Silicon Bank. Good news though: they also invested heavily in Bitcoin!

Dear Colleague, Thought Leadership cannot thrive without a Thought Culture. #assdeanwisdom

Dear Colleague, I don't understand your problem. It's easy for students to attend my event! All they have to do is sign up for Handshake, create an account, verify the account, check their email for a zoom link, sign into the event, and then scan a QR code. See! Simple!

Dear Colleague, Please stop being so productive! You're making me look bad!

Dear Colleague, Congratulations on tenure! By the way, the new assistant professor we just hired makes $10k more than you do! #totallynormal

Dear Colleague, It took all year, but our union reps have successfully negotiated Casual Fridays. So feel free to wear jeans.

Dear Colleague, Want some awesome advice? Take a cue from me and do more service work! Forget about publishing research. Maybe you can serve with me on Faculty Senate's Committee on Committees?

Dear Colleague, The dean will be annexing your office to allow me more on-campus closet space.

Dear Colleague, I hear the dean isn't renewing your contract. Your penalty is a hellish trek through various high paying, high benefit industry jobs that offer FAR FEWER MEETINGS. Think about it! #GoodLuckSucker

Dear Colleague, Sure, tenured English faculty are being laid off due to low enrollments, but with hard work and extensive training they can apply for assistant professorships in our new e-Sports program! #RejectAndResubmit

Dear Colleague, Please send help! The dean is once again trapped in the elevator.

Dear Colleague, Great news coming down from the C suite! With every $100 donation we make to the university, we'll now receive a "jeans day" coupon that allows faculty to wear jeans for one whole work day of their choice!! #progress #ilovemyboss

Dear Colleague, I begrudge your loan forgiveness. Why couldn't your parents just pay your way through college like a normal person?

Dear Colleague, I am a huge proponent of the state legislature's new bill that would protect student speech. What if Chad thinks the moon is made of rat turds? CHAD MUST BE HEARD!

Dear Colleague, I'm all about solutions! That's why I encouraged the director to find workspace for my grad advisee in the shared custodial, adjunct, and groundskeeper office! Boom! Problem solved.

Dear Colleague, Great news! The alumni center is now accepting Bitcoin donations! Look for the email about it in your spam folder.