Leigh Standley

The way I would trade recreational space travel for a design for windshield wipers that didn’t always suck just a little bit…

Me: “Dude. It’s a good rule of thumb to never smell ANYONE’S finger if they ask you to. Especially your brother’s.” 11yo: “A good rule of finger, then?” Me: *mumbles to self* “Should have seen that coming.”

She’s got my vote but, I need Kamala Harris to lose my number. If my kids bugged me for money this much they would be grounded.

10yo: Mom! Play that Michael Jackson song Me: Which one, bud? 10yo: ‘Get out of here’ Me: … 10yo: … Me: ‘Beat It’ ? 10yo: Yeah, that one.

10 y/o daughter: *deep sighs* Me: What’s up kiddo? Her: Do you ever just feel like you are doing *everything* for *everyone* and you *still* stub your toe on the dog bowl? Who’s gonna tell her?

To my 10yo twins: Why do you guys bicker so much!? Them: We’re twins. Me: Say more. Them: Being a twin is like being in an escape room, but from before you were born and you actually can’t get out ever. Me: … Them (to each other): Want to trade breakfasts? … Sure.

9 y/o son: I don’t really like how ladies show their boob cracks. Me (glancing down quickly) : Why is that? 9 y/o son: I don’t know. It’s weird. Like putting a butt crack on your chest.

9yo : Dad! Mom found me a cool old virgin baseball jersey at the thrift shop! Husband: … an old virgin baseball jersey? 9yo: Yeah! It’s from 2006! Husband: A VINTAGE baseball jersey? 9yo: whatever…

My 9 y/o daughter walked through the back door: “Hey sis, I thought you were outside playing with the boys…” “I was.” She sighed “But they were just throwing dirt at other dirt and it felt kind of dumb.” Do I tell her…?

“How to not do everything and still manage to not do it very well, actually.” A memoir. (Working title)

Kids: “Mom! Can you PLEASE go to the grocery store today?! We have NOTHING to eat!” Narrator: Their mother had, dear reader, been to the market nearly every day that week…

To my 7yo twins: “Did you guys remember to hang up your wet towels?” Daughter: “Yes, but I had to remind my brother and the only way I could get him to listen was by making my butthole talk.”

Talking about family roles with my 9yo twins: Daughter: The Mom has the most important role… she has to give birth! Son: Yeah? Well the Dad has to caramelize the eggs! We may need to watch fewer cooking shows…

@sarahndipitous The Beach Boys “God only knows”…

@CurlyGirlDesign This legit made me laugh Leigh… hoping it’s a decent song at least ✨🤟🫂

I graduated college, have run a multi-million dollar business and am raising two human beings, and the thing I continue to not be able to figure out is how to get my phone to stop playing some random song I downloaded to iTunes in 2003 every time I turn on my flipping car.

At a shop, grabbing a b-day card for a friend my 9yo audibly (to a 5 mile radius) gasps: “Greeting cards are WAY too expensive for something that is just a piece of paper with words on it!” Which is ballsy coming from a kid who lives in a house paid for by greeting card sales…

My 9yo told me that she has to sit at a special table at lunch. “Like, with a teacher? Or by yourself?” “No teacher, just me + a few other kids who are not popular, sporty or into video games.” “So… your friends?” “Yeah!” She said “we like to preserve one just for us.”

To my son: “Buddy, I think today is a shower day, you smell kind of ripe. His twin sister: “Yeah, your personal high jinks needs some work.

Me: I don’t think the dog feels good. Did he eat something funny? Kids: (shrug) Dog: *barrrrf Kids: What!? All we gave him was pepperoni, whipped cream and some gluten free pretzels…

9yo daughter: It seems like it would be hard to make real friends if you were the President. Me: Yeah, I can see how that might be true. Her: So that’s the main reason I don’t think I’ll run for office.