David Stratton

Just went to see Deepwater Horizon. Seeing all that oil spew into the ocean reminded me of the time Margaret had a red wine vom in my pool.

You're always going to get those awkward questions from kids. "Grandpa, who is Robert DeNiro?" I paused. "He used to be an actor."

Young people are always searching for the 'key to happiness'. Hot tip kids - the difference between these photos is literally 3 margaritas.

Sorry I haven't been online in over a year, my BigPond was down. Luckily Telstra gave me priority service because I'm a celebrity.

Stay tuned after the end credits of The Hateful Eight for a gratuitous, lingering close up of Uma Thurman's arse.

Last tweet was a little harsh on Adam Sandler. I fucking love Billy Madison after a visit to my herb garden.

American Indians' claim that Adam Sandler's new film is culturally insensitive brings the words culture and Sandler too close for my liking.

You can tell Star Wars is set in the future because Han Solo has realised diamond earrings don't suit 70 year old men.

It's this time of year I'm grateful for retirement, after the measly 16 weeks of paid annual leave I got at the ABC.

At my age the force awakens 3-4 times a night.

Adelaide claims title of hottest city on the planet today. Officials in Baghdad furious, but can still claim to have better night life.

Following SES advice I've been bunkered down in my home cinema with a bottle of Grey Goose. Is the storm finished? Because this bottle is.

Anyone else going to a midnight screening of The Dressmaker tonight?

Disgusted at having paid almost double for Nurofen tablets that promised to directly target 'shakey-cam' pain.

Friend texted me asking why I'd come back on Twitter. I replied with a selfie giving the thumbs up, with an empty bottle of Grey Goose.

Highlight of ABC Xmas party was Barrie Cassidy slipping over in Mark Scott's vomit and screaming "Argh, my back!" Mark Scott just laughed.

Quentin Tarantino's The Hateful 8 has been given a R18+ rating. Or as Margaret says - "Finally, some slightly hard mainstream shit".

The toddler/pensioner bookends of life share several similarities. The word 'involuntary' is definitely the saddest.

Lots of people asking what I've been up to since At The Movies finished up. Train surfing, mostly.

After avoiding my third potential confrontation of the day, I came to the sad realisation that I AM a man to be trifled with.