Edmonton Oilers (Parody) Interviews

"yeah Gene, I can't think of any overtime situation, whether it be in like junior, NHL, or I dunno prob even the Olympics or something, where I wouldn't just blast home the OT winner. Good thing no one's needed my services over the last couple of weeks.." - Evan Bouchard

"Jarry gets hurt, the Ebug walks in, says he’s from like San Antonio and hasn’t played since beer league in 2018. He looked scared as shit, but I told him ‘hey kid, don’t worry, Poppa Picks got this.’ Got the W and now I’m taking him out for some clam chowder.” - Calvin Pickard

"I said to Frederic before the game, ‘Go out there and fight the biggest and baddest guy you can and I don’t care if your face coming out of it looks like the monster from The Goonies.' Sure as shit, his face did look like it, it pumped us up and we got the W" - Connor McDavid

"Yeah one of the biggest games of my life — tied our captain in points tonight with a couple assists and almost won it in OT after splittin’ the D. Instead of callin’ me Kasperi Kapanen, you might need to start calling me Kasperi Makes-Shit-Happenen.” — Kasperi Kapanen

“Everyone in town wanted their beer league goalie in net over me and I wish them no harm, except maybe getting stuck in traffic on the Henday.. But to all the haters-Big Stu just put up a shutty. Hide your moms, cuz I'm back and I'm handing out moustache rides.” - Stuart Skinner

"Yeah they don't call me the 'Janitor' for nothing, just out there cleaning up the garbage goals and with the way Doughty was crying out there tonight too, the 'Janitor' will have to go scrub his tears off the ice after I'm done this interview with you, Gene"- Mattias Janmark

"I can't remember the last time I had a breakaway but in a tie game with so much on the line... like the 2 points and all of the Seattle Kraken's moms watching in the stands, Poppa Perry couldn't disappointment them and I potted a big one for all the mama ciiitas" - Corey Perry

“I dunno what that hit was about but maybe Zadorov’s tired of videos popping up of McDavid deking him out of his jock during the 2022 playoffs when people search ‘Zadorov’ and 'Oilers' so I guess he decided to hit me tonight to try and change Google’s algorithm." - Stuart Skinner

"Ive worked so hard to be best and nothin was going to stop me on my shot for 1000 points..except maybe a bottle of ketchup and perhaps even my wife in an angry state after the 4th time asking me to take the garbage out.. other than that, nothin was gonna stop me"-Connor McDavid

"Yeah I'm on a 2-game scoring streak. Before last game, I booked a trip down to my family's yacht, ate gold flaked caviar and had a bath in $100 bills, just to remember how great privilege feels and I immediately started scoring again"- Zach Hyman

"Scoring 2 goals on my birthday is hella tight, shout out to my boy Perry for yet another fight.. But beating the Wings in OT was kinda mean, so I thought I'd show Detroit some love, by dressing up as Eminem for Halloween" - Leon Draisaitl

A live look at McDavid after a lacklustre first period in the first game of the season:

"Yeah that was a big biiiig win and like Connor said, we're dragging them back to Alberta and I know the Panthers don't like that. The good news for them is, we have running water in Edmonton, unlike Calgary.." - Zach Hyman

"It feels great to be going to the Stanley Cup Finals and the fans have been unbelievable. From Mama Stanley to the chick showing off her rack, taking her shirt off for Horcoff, we love our fans!" - Connor McDavid

"Big Game 7 win and I hope that 10 year old Canucks fan that said 'Fuck McDavid' before the playoffs started gets a huuuge wedgie from an Oilers fan at recess tomorrow and maybe he can ask Santa for a better team to cheer for because we just gave his the boot" - Connor McDavid

"The boys were hungry for that W tonight. We're going to enjoy the Alberta beef that our fans gifted us tonight and hopefully wash it down from the beer cans Canucks fans might be throwing, if things work out for us on Monday" - Connor McDavid

"Yeah it feels good to end this series early against the Kings. It gives us some time to get some rest and it'll give Kevin Fiala a head start to start practicing with the Swiss National Diving Team" - Leon Draisaitl

"Yeah I'd like to make a movie about my life called "Bouch Bomb." I'd star in it as myself and have clips of me just taking nasty clappers and for the bonus feature I'd ask Will Ferrell if he can play the part of Dubois where I just drop his ass like in Game 3" - Evan Bouchard

"Yeah last time I had over 100 assists in a season, I was also racking up digits at the Gr. 9 dance, Ryan Whitney was known for having two good ankles instead of a podcast and Hyman was rollin' up in his freshmen year drinking champagne in his limousine" - Connor McDavid

"Yeah everyone thought I was hurt when Lizotte ran into me but I was laying on the ice cuz I was so f**kin bored of the Kings 1-3-1 system, so Skinz decided to take a lil snooze and the boys had to wake me up" - Stuart Skinner