EricaTriesToTweet

I just made my husband apologize to me 6 times for not ordering me a lemonade if you’re wondering how easy I am to live with.

Being unable to walk into an air-conditioned shop without saying “ooh, it’s nice and cool in here”

I’m here to tell you that if you refuse to cook, your kids will finally, one day, plan a meal & say they’ll prepare the whole thing but it’s all trick & don’t fall for it because here I am cooking dinner.

I opened the dishwasher and it's full of clean dishes and I'm scared my wife is going to know that I know.

I’m no parenting expert, but I can tell you that one day you’re gonna see a random balloon float through the room out of the corner of your eye and it’s gonna scare the shit out of you.

I'm from the suburbs. I will get back in the car to drive to the parking lot next door and then wonder why I'm fat and you can't stop me.

@sarcasticmommy4 I’m guessing you won’t receive a first day of school pic from him.

*texting my son* Me: Happy 1st day of 18th grade! 🤗 Him: BLOCKED

I'm not above holding irrational grudges.

I'm better than a lot of people and I'm not even that good.

I feel vindicated, regardless of how big of a deal it is.

This guide to Fat Bear Week by @rcromwell4 is the best and most useful information you will find anywhere on social media and perhaps even in the entire universe.

All I want is to live well and to die in a manner so bizarre and gruesome it can only be described with a German word.

I’m guessing most of us wouldn’t complain about Nancy Reagan’s little astrology habit right now.

[childhood redacted]

We are round, but not aerodynamic in the least.

OMG HAVE YOU GUYS HEARD ABOUT THAT NEW WORKOUT PLACE CALLED ORANGETHEORY... oh, you have? k, nevermind.

Those ballots don’t realize how lucky they are. Why can’t *I* be tossed in a ditch somewhere?

I'm about 3 bad days away from becoming a grizzled drifter in a small town with a mysterious past.

I see my college professors here on Twitter way more than I ever saw them when I was actually in college.

@BossyBritches72 seems like it’s been super quiet. I mean nothing‘s really happened the last two years.

@EricaWhoToYou Welcome back!

I’m back and don’t give a sh*t what anybody thinks about anything.