✞♡ Squish ♡✞@squixiee
I'm not sure how to put what I am feeling into words, let alone how to relay that to anyone else. This is extremely difficult to say.
I think I might retire, at least from the vtubing livestreaming scene.
I genuinely enjoyed streaming so much and I have met so many incredible people that way, but I think it's just too far out of my wheelhouse. I have failed to meet the expectations that everyone had for me and I was unable to go through with all the big plans that I wanted to accomplish.
Chronic illness sucks. I can't be consistent with anything. I've lost a majority of my friends and my community. I struggle so much literally every single day and I either get left behind or I can't join in on things.
Not only do I have my disabilities battling against me, I was ostracized and bullied by other Christian content creators on multiple occasions, especially when I first started streaming. I grew so unexpectedly fast, with knowing absolutely nothing about the community and without knowing literally anyone. I feel as though some people got jealous, as some people mentioned it on twitter and in calls with me. People made up stories and gossiped behind my back. They told my friends not to talk to me anymore, for one reason or another, and because of that, I did lose a lot of people in my life and lost out on making new friends entirely.
The streaming space itself is toxic as is anyways, but add all these big accounts who just grift with right-wing and/or Christian talking points constantly and yeah, I just really don't want to be in that space. The line is blurred between grifters and true born-again believers because so many people on twitter simp over any woman who literally brings up one talking point, these women see that and they run with it. It's gross and sad that they are using these men that way. On top of that, a lot of people only see you as a chance to grow their audience and income, not as a friend.
I started my online Christian bookstore because SO many people told me they'd support it. I thought it was a good idea and that it would help my siblings in Christ while also helping bring in some much needed financial help. It took months of planning and research. I even opened up a credit card just so I could pay for everything. I reached out to authors and did so much behind the scenes that you guys don't even know. I even put so much effort into the packaging, so that it was a beautiful experience to open up and not just boring package. Launch day was such a huge success and I am so blessed that I got to take part in something like that. But as time went on, (almost) all the people who offered their support bailed on me (they don't owe me anything btw). I had to shut down my shop and lost so much money and put more stress onto my husband, who already takes on all the financial stress alone, not including all the money I lost from everything for streaming. This is all my fault, I am not blaming anyone but myself for this.
I've failed. A lot. In every way in my life. For the past 7 years straight.
I'm tired of failing. I'm tired of letting people down.
I'm not sure what I am going to do now. I have things that I would /like/ to do. But then again, I always have big optimistic plans that I could never actually do. I think I should just keep them to myself from now on. That's okay though, I think having dreams is a very beautiful thing. At least I can say that I've tried. Many things. More things than a lot of people, and for that, I am thankful and blessed. Everything I have done, I always did it because I was passionate about it. I don't regret anything.
As for content creation, I will still pop in here and there for collabs, Lord willing, but I just can't keep up with a full-time consistent stream schedule, but you all already knew that. I might make videos and other things here and there too, just don't count on that too much. I'd still like to keep up in my server and have it active again. I am so sorry if this is a let down to anyone. I can understand how upset some people might be, rightly so. I just can't pretend to be happy and okay on streams anymore. I'm not happy and I'm not okay. I just want to focus on Christ and what He plans for me. I want Him to use me for His kingdom. I want to be in the shadow of His wing. I want to hear His voice, not my own. I want to help others, however I can. I want to uplift and edify people. I want genuine people in my life, not grifters. There is a time for everything. And I don't /think/ streaming is for me right now and that's okay. Only the Lord truly knows.
If you read all of this, thank you for your time and all of your support over the past year, I really do appreciate it. I know this is very self-centered and I apologize for that. I have been holding on to a lot of this for a long time now and I don't think it's fair to drag my community along when I don't think I am capable of streaming and doing all the things I truly wanted to do. I love you guys. Over the past year, my community and friends have given me some of the happiest memories that I've ever had in my life. Truly. I hope you can forgive me. God bless you.
~Squixiee
a.k.a Squish
