Fly J

My sex tape is 30 minutes of me trying to get back on the floaty I fell off of in the pool.

I know I seem unapproachable. That's the plan.

Men are such idiots

Woke up to see twitter is now “X”. The real question is “Y”

@wiseconnector Sex

Pro Tip: Feel the need for a good relationship? Get a dog.

The great thing about getting older is the ability to fall and hurt yourself without even drinking.

Quit crying, it only gets worse. Start drinking now and you'll be fine. -Me as a high school guidance counselor.

I can only assume that when people disappear from Twitter for months at a time that they're doing well in rehab.

Remember when we were kids and we couldn't wait to grow up, move out of the house and get a job? God, we were dumb.

My sex tape is 30 minutes of me trying to get back on the floaty I fell off of in the pool.

People keep inviting me to attend their events like they don’t know I have a dog at home who I’d rather hang out with.

Is it ok to say, “Fuck you, I want a divorce” in a text or no.

I wanted to get off the couch and get a glass of water, but I'm too lazy to move, so I decided to tweet about it instead.

I wonder how many bodies are buried in Boyd's backyard.

please don't be laundry in here, please don't be laundry in here, please don't be laundry in here... -me opening the dryer

Your call is important to us. Please wait on the line until you're dead and an agent will be with you shortly after that.

Twitter is for people who want attention while being left alone.

To everyone who stayed up late, woke up early, gave up their Sunday afternoon… we are incredibly sorry that the Love is Blind Live Reunion did not turn out as we had planned. We're filming it now and we'll have it on Netflix as soon as humanly possible. Again, thank you and sorry.

Looks like the red wave was actually just some mid-cycle spotting.