Helen Everett

When your bag is inspected at airport security and the only explanation is they've found 50kg of cocaine, 12 machetes & a pipe bomb in your hand luggage rather than the loose shampoo bottle you forgot to put in your liquids bag.

8000 degrees today and what did the boyf want for dinner? A CASSEROLE. 🥵

Thrilled to become chaotically busy at work at the same time I become a football widow.

VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE.

Why are presenters asking me to "tune in" like it's still 2004? Please stop.

@AldiUK you naughty little sausages 👀

If people made half as much a fuss about a poorly edited image being used in the media as they have Kate Middleton's there'd be nothing but "botched" photos on our timeline. The sheer chaos of it is beyond me.

Like grown up coloured macaroni tubes though

Today I was sad so my mum went out and bought multicoloured macaroni for me for a macaroni and cheese dinner. I might be 31 years old but I am here for this sort of care.

This week at work has mainly been emails starting with this: "Dear (Name) Happy New Year! Is it to late to say that? When is it to late to wish someone a happy New Year? Are you feeling as rested and rejuvenated as you did nearly two weeks ago?" Over and over again.

The 2nd time Brewdog have been cancelled in as many years. For a full time hourly paid employee this is nearly £90 a month they're losing. Well, they can shove their Elvis Juice up their arse. bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotla…

@jackandwood I like monopoly because it's the only chance I'll ever get to buy somewhere in London. Or charge someone else rent.

I like playing monopoly, as it’s the only opportunity my generation will have, to enjoy travelling in London

I cannot stress this enough: There is NO correlation between being vegetarian and loving avocado. I don't want to see an avocado near me. Ever. Never before has a fruit offended me so much. It's disgusting and takes like feet. Mangoes are also included in this.

"People calling you Hels and thinking it's short for Helen but actually it's short for Hellish" - @AlexMorning after spending a week on holiday with me 🙂

Hahahahahahaha omg as if they've spent all this time & money trying to make it easier for women to get the pill over the counter but still haven't developed birth control for men who can't handle the same side effects we've been dealing with for decades ok I'm out 👋🏻

If you've never sat in a bubble bath whilst eating a bar of dairy milk, I highly recommend it.

After months of sorting the perfect birthday presents for my boyfriend.... I've been trumped by @GreggsOfficial. At least I know what to do for the birthday dinner. @AlexMorning

My best friend just found a birthday book I made for her 12 years ago & that sort of sentimentality has me feeling deeply, deeply emotional rn 🥲🥲🥲

Dear artists/ bands, I'm sorry for yawning so much during your show. You're not bad. I'm just really, really tired. Sincerely, Everyone in their 30s