I am Duncan Smith

Rather than looking at the tea leaves, my friend says she can tell the future from looking at how the fruit settles when she stirs her yoghurt. I told her, I don’t think she should be dabbling in the Yakult.

Astronaut Christina Koch has officially become the farthest any women has travelled from the kitchen.

I was in the supermarket with my wife this morning, and she had the audacity to call me lazy! I was so shocked I nearly fell out of the trolley

I was once married to the woman whose voice they use on Sat Navs………. when she left i didn't know which way to turn

@NASA @NASAKennedy Good luck and God speed from us all here in the Uk.

We're going around the Moon. Come watch with us. Artemis II's four-astronaut crew is lifting off from @NASAKennedy on an approximately 10-day mission that will bring us closer to living on the Moon and Mars. The launch window opens at 6:24pm ET (2224 UTC). twitter.com/i/broadcasts/1…

My uncle was a ‘glass half full’ kind of man. Lovely fella……rubbish barman!

Best so far 😂

I just purchased an original Van Gogh coffee table. I know it's original because there's a bit of veneer missing.

I accidentally used my wife’s body wash this morning ... and already I feel like I’m never wrong.

A Scottish friend of mine sings in a Swedish tribute band, I call him ABBA Dean.

Today i saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out. He said he'll be fine, he's just going through a rough patch.

The Americans are using a new type of rocket that constantly updates a Facebook status until it reaches its target. It's an attention-seeking missile.

I hate it when parents name their kids after shit they can’t afford. Mercedes. Ruby. Porsche. Gas. Electric. Petrol. Phone bill. Council tax!!..

I've found a job recently cleaning waxworks of celebrities, this week I'm Dustin Hoffman.

I got an elevator to the sixteenth floor, and as I got out, the operator said, "Have a good day, son." "Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad!" He said: “No, but I brought you up, didn't I?".

@DeborahMeaden As my grandmother used to say “ you can lock away from a thief but not a liar”

The trouble with telling fibs is you need a massive spreadsheet to keep track of all the angles they affect… I have always found it easier to just stick with the truth… actually not always… since I was around 5 or 6.

@DeborahMeaden I’d love to see a pair of tits on a £10 note

And Nature wins!!

Instead of wearing Lynx for aftershave, I've started using petrol..........women will definitely know I have money now.

@DeborahMeaden @KayBurley @bbcquestiontime

@KayBurley @bbcquestiontime No… it was a democratic vote and Nature won.

Is it disrespectful to remove Winston Churchill from the back of a £5 and replace him with an animal? @bbcquestiontime

I had a difficult upbringing, I once asked my mother if I was ugly, she said don’t call me mother in front of people.