J.R. Havlan

On the bright side, if a wildfire breaks out in LA right now, it’ll either be swallowed by an earthquake or blown out by a hurricane.

@NickStoll Weird way to celebrate someone’s memory, don’t you think? I mean, why not just yank down your pants while you’re at it? I’m still leaning toward my own explanation. And why shouldn’t she, considering she and her teammates probably make next to zero dollars for what they do?

@JRHavlan twitter.com/FOXSoccer/stat…

Saw this live earlier today. She scored and then lifted her shirt to point at the Adidas logo on her other shirt. Bold social message there! Gotta get paid, I guess.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from Instagram it’s that a lot of people are way better than me at playing the drums.

Trying to plan a vacation. Anybody know of cool places that aren’t currently on fire?

If only my brain could help me actually accomplish all the things it thinks of.

@lisa_curry Forced, huh? 😉

He’s right! I was kidnapped yesterday by US special forces and forced to enter into a lesbian relationship

The music in the grocery store this morning was the theme song from “Welcome Back Kotter.” I wanted to hang out to see if they’d up their game with the theme from “Barney Miller” but I was done shopping.

I bet you nobody at a Beatles concert ever held up their lighter and yelled out “Octopus’s Garden!”

@MikeRoyce Not sure. But if it’s a Harry Jonas you’re looking for, DM me. 😉

How am I supposed to go on social media and pretend my life is going great when I’m staying at a hotel that didn’t even bother folding the end of the toilet paper into a little triangle?

@ericeatsout It’s so tiresomely humiliating.

I’m a (relatively) old, white man who is repeatedly forced to wonder what the fuck is wrong with old, white men. #TenneseeThree #GunControlNow

I finally watched the David Byrne performance in the Oscars, so I’m taking an informal poll. Did you… A: Pretend you liked it because of some stubborn attachment to work he’s done in the past that you actually DID like? or B: Accept without question that it was awful?

Just a friendly reminder that whether or not you can dance makes ZERO difference in how rich you can be.

@JillHennessy @CityWineryNYC Need a comic to open for you? 😉

Oh, have mercy; looks like I will be playing @CityWineryNYC Sunday, MARCH 26th !! Let the games begin…😘

I wonder if Donald Trump Jr.’s coke dealer is finally gonna come clean once that jaw grinder is done putting his kids through college.

@lisa_curry Climbing up the walls and throwing their own shit. Pure gold.

@JRHavlan That line killed me! A perfect analogy

Good goddamn. Chris Rock is the GOAT

Boring boring finish because of a shitty call. And yes, KC fans, that was a shitty call.