Journals

Queer, autistic, have ADHD, C-PTSD & BPD. Loves learning, reading, researching, analysing, writing, profiling people, psychology, technology, privacy & security, philosophy, astrology & tarot. And deep dives into topics, meanings, relationships & the why behind things & people.

@IIW0NDERII يمه

I keep catching strays

It felt like they were watching me very closely. Studying every move I made. Analysing every word I said. Judging the way I performed. I felt like a clown entertaining a bunch of stupid opinionated people. And it felt like they were looking for something specific to base their judgment on. They had the answers right in front of their eyes. They were just too stupid to find it. And I ask... if you were too stupid to find what you're looking for, why wouldn't you just ask? It feels like they look but they don't see. And I hate feeling watched without feeling seen. If I'm too hard for you to understand and figure out, then maybe you should stop watching and leave. Your presence is unwanted.

She says proudly; you were independent since childhood. My children grow faster than other children. I was a neglected child. I had to be independent... because there was no one to depend on. A cold distant father living in contempt. And a mother that kept me full but never fulfilled... One doesn't want to see your face, and the other doesn't want to see a flaw in it. A slave with a doll face. Born to please, never to exist. They never want you to love your authentic self. They want you to love the version they gave you. The success is theirs. The failures are yours. The pride is theirs. The shame is yours. The love is theirs. The hate is yours. The strength is theirs. The weakness is yours. Who are you? An extinction of them. You. Are. Theirs. And how dare you to even think that there's a "You". It's "theirs". You don't exist. You are nothing but a shadow. Always in their company. Following. In silence. They are always in your head. Telling you what to do. And what your rebellion strong independent self do when they talk? You listen carefully and do as they say. You can never leave. inseparable. Even if they die, they're still with you. They're the way you look at yourself in the mirror. They're the voice telling you "you're not enough". They are the despair you feel when you look around yourself. They are the silence. They are the noise. They are here and there and everywhere. Look around. You'll see them. The angry face. The disappointed one. Listen... do you hear the voice that says that exact same sentence that repeats in your head? No matter what you do. No matter how many excuses you make. You'll never be loved by them. Because they never loved you. They never loved YOU. And if they loved something, it's how you made them feel sometimes. You weren't unlovable. They were incapable of love. They were the problem. Not you. Never you. It hurts. It's painful. And it breaks your heart. But it's not you. It's not you. But who are you outside of them? You are a complex of so many things. You're not just the body. You're not just the mind. You're not just the spirit. You're not just the heart. You are who you are. And you are everything. There's a whole world locked up inside of you waiting to be explored. Set it free. Let it be.

@amomentpersec لا تطول الغيبات علينا

@IIW0NDERII Congratulations

Please just tell me the truth. I can't take another lie.

Feel the anger in an attempt to not feel the pain underlying it. Nobody wants to feel broken. Nobody wants to cry. Nobody wants to be that neglected hurt child again. We think maturing is all about screaming and lashing out. Inflicting pain instead of feeling it... but it's not. And I don't know what maturing is really... but I know that I feel empathy and compassion –for you and me– even when I'm hurt. And I really hope you feel it too. But I guess it's okay if you don't... I don't know if what I'm feeling is right. And it might hurt, but I'm sure it'll be less painful than the consequences of my own anger. I just wish you'd be able to listen to my cries without feeling overwhelmed. I'm really sorry.

My solitude was never a fear of what people thought, but a fear of truths I'd discover. I spent my whole life alone and isolated, be it by force or by choice. I found home in my own reflection, but not in my lonesomeness. Always longed for connection but feared distorted signals. So I sit still, feel the music, and write.

Everything speaks to me. And I listen carefully.

@w0nderjournal ألفية سبحانك اللهم وبحمدك، أشهد أن لا إله إلا أنت، أستغفرك وأتوب إليك

I feel so shutdown

I don't feel well

والله لو أتكلم من اليوم لبكرة ما أوفيك حقك

I love how you see me for who I am, not for how useful I am. I feel like I can just exist. I don't have to perform. All I have to do is just breathe and feel the love. I see my future with you. I see us growing together. Achieving together. Building together. Making our dreams come true together. Just being together. Happily. Calmly. Peacefully. And passionately. I wanna be with you at your highs and lows. I wanna be the one holding you when you most need it. I wanna be the one wiping your tears. I wanna be the one who makes you laugh everytime you feel down. I wanna be the one comforting you when everything feels dark and gloomy. I wanna be the one who stays when everyone is gone. I wanna be the one for you. I wanna see you thrive. I wanna see you lead. I wanna see you build. I wanna see you grow. I wanna see you relapse. I wanna see you exist and be. I wanna be you witness. I wanna feel your joy. I wanna feel your happiness. I wanna feel your anger. I wanna feel your pain. I wanna feel your love. I wanna feel your hate. I wanna feel your calm. I wanna feel your peace. I wanna feel your anxiety. I wanna feel your fear. I wanna feel your presence. I wanna feel your distance. I wanna feel you. I want your dreams. I want your plans. I want your responsibilities. I want your thoughts. I want your stories. I want your opinions. I want you perspective. I want your memories. I want all of you. You light the fire inside of me. You're the balance I always sought. You're God's blessing on this earth. I'm thankful for everytime you choose to exist. And I'm thankful for the distance that gave me the ability to connect with you and express this for you. You are the deities I pray for. You are the prophets I learn from. You are the picture on a soldier's necklace. You are the oil the US destroys nations for. You are the job position that triggers my imposter syndrome. You are the dream that's so beautiful and magical -to the point that a family member wakes you up cause they kinda have a 7th sense of knowing when you're happy and rush to stop the feeling- that you'd remember for years. You are just you. And God... I can't even describe how beautiful that is. You. No words could define or describe you. I can only feel you and exist peacefully, gracefully, lovingly, and passionately. I love you. I got the pleasure to explore a drip of the depths of your oceans. And I wanna thank you for allowing me to experience some of your wonders. Thank you for showing me light in my darkest days. Thank you for choosing to spend time with me. Distance and autonomy always scared me and I always felt guilty for even thinking about it. Cause my presence was always demanded like I was born to entertain. But you make me feel like I can exist outside of you. I can live for me and you simultaneously without losing you or myself. And I feel so calm and peaceful in distance without spiraling and losing my mind. Because I know you love me and I love you. And it's just that. It's not the end of the world. It's the beginning of it. The Fool. Thank you for giving me the grace to find myself in our sneaky, hidden, safe out of a distance, beautiful, deep, rollercoastery -in the most beautiful exciting way possible- conversations. Just be patient with me and allow me sometime to be brave enough to exist with someone as wonderful and magical as you. You're more than I can handle at the moment... and I mean it in the most insecure self-conscious pathetic way possible. I love you. And I wanna fulfill all your needs, wants, and desires. Within reason. Cause you taught me to love with a brain. And I'm sorry for not proofreading and polishing this for you. Forgive me for my typos and imperfections. But I bet this is how you want it. I love you like crazy. I would gladly make the choice of losing myself into you. But you keep me sane and I love you for it. You fit the description I gave my therapist of my dream person. Manifesting works ig.

I really just wanna jump and dive into you. But I'll hold back for a little while until I learn how to swim. I actually can't swim irl.