Sarah Perry

Maybe she's born with it...or maybe it's Maybelline....OR MAYBE SHE EATS A BOWL OF Fettuccine Alfredo EVERY NIGHT BEFORE SHE GOES TO BED AND CURSES EVERY MAN THAT EVER WRONGED HER BECAUSE THAT'S THE ONLY WAY SHE CAN SLEEP AT NIGHT.

I'm so midwestern that when I send someone a gift and they send me a thank you, I send them a thank you for their thank you.

Mom, people on Twitter are discovering Jewish is an ethnicity again

You’d think this scene alone would get it an R but what do I know

Guy with no rearview mirrors: "I don't like looking at my past, man. Even if it is a car crash I caused."

We <3 @sperrycomedy (and her ma, Tina!) Check her out tonight at Helium!!

Seen at SXSW Festival, @SperryComedy is coming to Helium for one night only! 🎟️ August 14 🎟️ Get tickets now: st-louis.heliumcomedy.com/shows/271957

GET HIGH AND WATCH DRESSAGE. DO IT NOW. 🐎

This country has never been more divided.

We’re cooked

You are currently president

Give them both a pdf, first one that can rotate it gets to be president

my 2024 debate drinking game, enjoy:

Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy…but a single full time job should be enough to live on, so unionize, maybe

Do celebrities get diarrhea? Can’t imagine Zendaya experiencing what I’m going through right now

I gotta stop getting high. Last night I spent 2 hours wondering how they get cars to the island of Hawaii.

Behind every powerful woman is Tony Hale holding her bag.

Same vibes

i fell into a Burger King deep fryer i turned brown brown brown medical help was required and it burns burns burns that BK fryer that BK fryer

@DoorDash never issued me my refund so I had to call my credit card company and a @discovercard agent literally just asked me "since your order was missing an item, did you cancel the order before your order arrived?"