Fronto leaf

Plugged a bootleg elf bar into my computer to charge and Chinese malware turned my laptop into a bitcoin mining rig

I’m personally gonna be tuning into the Turning Point USA NBA finals this year to watch Jaden Ivey put some shots up in an empty gym

Sorry man I can’t do literally anything else, I got THE BIGGEST fish to fry.

Yeah so turns out “spin class” doesn’t involve twirling around in a circle for a few hours. Fuck everything I guess

White suburban bee: lmao bumbleclat! Jamaican bee: me gwan pollinate

Sitting on your roof and hanging under your crawl space. I occupy the grey area between what’s yours and what’s not

What am I, chopped chin?

All my vices have convenient form factors

First guy ever: all I’m saying is that oranges are way jucier and orangey tasting than apples Second guy ever: dude you can’t do that

Walking into footlocker yelling “REF YOU SUCK”

*trying eggs for the first time* mmmm… it kinda tastes like uh, salty flan almost

Tree contest when we live in the forest, fuck you

They treatin me like a puffle but I’m full penguin! Gotta find a #newclub That igloo #toocold #fridaytruths

Say what you will about Mr. Hyde, but at least he has the good faith to recognize his tendencies of professional misconduct prohibit him from holding Dr. Jekyll’s official designation

Heavy is the head that wears the frown :(

They’re gonna throw a parade in Mexico over this

autoerotic defenestration

Orange you glad I didn’t say banana

me *writhing in pain*: “AHHHHH” ops: “Say the line scorpion cleric!” scorpion cleric *casting ‘summon scorpion’ again*: “Now that’s GOTTA STING”

Me when the barmaid has a TREMENDOUS bosom: Haha hey…. can I get a… a uh…umm…Coors heavy? *flex both biceps* and some… uh… raw steak?

I’m rich in ways you can’t imagine Money doesn’t grow on trees… but apples do #yummyinmytummy