(☆▽☆)

i don’t argue w hungry mfers

after rehearsals bffie & i got taco bell but once i got home at like 11:30pm … brother i was in bed immediately & didn’t even REALIZE i fell asleep till i woke up at 4am & glanced at my phone LOL

unfortunately … i DO sleep better after deleting my social media & not being able to scroll reels till 4am 😭

i can’t die i got disneyland on monday … LOL

i am strong. i am goated. i will finish spring semester w out offing myself & then start looking for a therapist again

also by “i will not graduate” i mean it wont simply be a 1 week stay. it is gonna start as mh but i am also struggling to eat or keep food down. its gonna turn into an ed stay & those always last MONTHS . i have 8 weeks left of classes

LIKE GOD DAMN COULDNT MY BRAIN WAIT 8 MORE WEEKS FOR SUMMER BREAK TILL GIVING ME THE MOST DIABOLICAL DEPRESSION SLUMP?? 😭

man when tf did life get … so important again? like yeah i wanna die but also if i voluntarily admit myself to make sure it doesn’t happen … i will not graduate . & all my college credits pre-2019 will just … poof

i don’t even wanna go to rehearsals the sadness i’m feeling isn’t even the “i can fake it” kind i’m just gonna play my parts tired as fuck no expression i don’t wanna

no nic … kinda suicidal to the point i’m thinking “what if i bought the stuff” … deleted all my irl social media … quite literally have not spoken to anyone but a 2 y/o today … welp

today . is literally just dragging i need band practice to be over already i still have to WAIT 2 hrs for it to START

ok

dawg i love this kid but oh my god 😭 a warning ??? a heads up????

my sister forgetting to lmk she needed a babysitter this week :) & just dropped my niece off in the middle of my lecture :) & she will Also need a babysitter the next 4 days :) during my other classes :)

starve and be nauseous vs. eat and be nauseous

but alas … i will try to have a good day

awake (derogatory)

there is … something. left in there keeping me going LOL couldn’t tell u what it was but . it’s there

i must want to live in SOME capacity bc when i really think abt it … i could just full stop eating/drinking & let dehydration get me but i have never ACTUALLY done it … despite always THINKING it

there’s something about having an ED and being stuck in it that’s oddly comforting. like in the sense that i’m so used to it and the behaviours and obsessions take my mind off of any other stress or dysfunction in my life. that’s why this is so addicting

“i’m so locked in” i say as i delete a majority of my social media bc if i cant kms i need a way to feel as dead to the world as possible