Drew (some assembly required)

It’s “ceasefire” not “sees fire”. I just wanted to clarify that.

Her: “I love your cologne. What is it?” Me: “Icy Hot.”

CBS plans to air Comics Unleashed after Cobert ends, which is ironic because I thought CBS liked to keep their comics leashed.

Jesus: “Hey everyone, I’m back!” Disciples: “We hid some eggs for you to find.”

How refreshing to see actual astronauts in space for a change.

*me, watching Lindsey Vonn crash at the Olympics* “I could’ve done that.”

You don't have to be drunk on New Year's Eve to know the lyrics to “Auld Lang Syne”, but it sure helps.

Shout out to everyone wearing new socks today.

You guys… Don’t you get it? THIS is the Bad Place…

Of all of Santa’s reindeer, I feel the most sorry for Dasher who had to take a second job delivering food to make ends meet.

This gift could’ve been a gift card.

There needs to be a NYE party with open bar and hors d’oeuvres and all that stuff, but then from like 10pm to 11pm, they pass out pillows and blankets for nap time.

Right now, aunts all over the country are getting out their recipe for green bean casserole in preparation for Thanksgiving.

*seductively eats a tube of raw cookie dough in front of you*

My obituary will also be a Mad Libs.

I never make the same mistake twice. I make it at least six or seven times.

I wonder if Judy from Time Life Books is still standing by waiting for my call.

"This isn't a competition", I say first before anyone else says it.

Doomscrolling since 2005.

Omg You guys should see this drunk guy at the bar trying to order another drink. Hold on, that's me. Wow. There's lots of mirrors in here.