Haley Traub

@marksteffen FAKE NEWS. SIGNED, DEFINITELY NOT MOGWAI

I used to think my dog was incredibly lazy. Now, after quarantine and getting to observe her all the time I know the truth: She is unbelievably lazy.

@marksteffen IM TRYING TO WIN A PRIZE PACK

@hetraub Thank you for exposing me to this hashtag.

Thank you @thedailybeast, 'twas fun! twitter.com/thedailybeast/…

@steadycraig If you flew back from MSP I think my lost suitcase was on your flight. Happy to pick it up from Lake Street, it's the one full of dog toys and mini liquor bottles.

It's not even noon and I've already laundered all of my bras. Expect no more productivity from me today, world.

My stylist parted my hair on the wrong side and mercury is in retrograde so basically my life is falling apart.

WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE 🍕🍕🍕 usatoday.com/story/money/20…

DATING TIP: Don't reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.

My paycheck goes to NYU. #collegein5words

"I don't need this", she whispers quietly to herself as the show time dancers begin their routine

@tinyladynadia I wrote a play in 8th grade where all the girls were in love with a guy named chad so this is very triggering for me

@_babyblueivy but like you know about the Nancy/Tonya museum in Brooklyn, right?

Why did no one tell me about @nellyville: license to ride wit me? I thought you people were my friends.

I'm a lady on the streets and a considerate, consensual, attentive lover in the sheets.

For how many guys I've matched with on @Tinder w/ sedated tigers in their pics I'm pretty pissed that I still haven't pet a tiger #smdh

@Tinder thank god, the men on tinder were really missing a certain je ne sais quoi aspect of doucheyness

Strengths include: being that asshole who shows up late but still has store bought food/drinks with her #sorrynotsorry #butkindasorry