Tom Beard

@AyrtonBen ok. That was yours. We came second.

@AyrtonBen I seem to have chosen the wrong cocktail snacks.

@AyrtonBen Such a scaredy cat. It's all going to change. I'm gonna have a lucky drink and some cocktail snacks and victory will be ours.

@AyrtonBen Football is so 2014.

Here is the full text of our response to The Times' story about the licence fee:

@michael_simkins done it. Turns out the boy has been awake since 7 and was just being nice. Happy Xmas, Simmo. X

@cutteroo he'd finish his glass of egg nog, wipe the corners of his mouth with his ironed napkin, tiptoe to their bedroom. Then shoot them.

@alistairpetrie and to you, big Al & Mrs P. Peace and love x

I feel like waking my teenage kids to pay them back for all those 5.30 starts when they were younger.

Waited til Xmas Eve for my fave show of the year, @ZooNationUK's Mad Hatter's Tea Party. Astonishing ensemble lighting up @RoyalOperaHouse

Wonderful, big-hearted, brilliant @I_GregoryPorter and his amazing band had Pompey in the palm of his hand tonight.

@exitthelemming gentle scan nudge? Hope all well.

@_Tarbs @susiewokoma @TomRhysHarries if I win best arse in a pair of white shorts, pick it up for me. X

@_Tarbs @susiewokoma @TomRhysHarries you see? That's just quality. X

@_Tarbs @susiewokoma @TomRhysHarries tell me. NOW.

@susiewokoma @_Tarbs @TomRhysHarries was going to go but I've fucked my back up. In fact it might have been Hotel that did it. love you all

All I want for Christmas is you. It's a lot scarier when I say it.

Society obsessed with breasts except in most natural context thedailymash.co.uk/news/society/s…

Generally speaking, days should not be assigned colours. This is a bad thing.

Retweet for a chance to win the 2014 @ManBookerPrize Shortlist! We'll choose one lucky winner on Friday #bookerprize