Andrew Urban

New dystopia pitch: people sell their amputated limbs to billionaire foodies who want to try ethically sourced human flesh in order to pay for their medical bills.

Honestly I think everyone should get three free, no consequence, open hand slaps across the face a year to use on who they like, when they like, no questions asked. Everyone would be much more polite, especially in January.

I need more people in my life who understand the concept of an emotional support machete.

Well this has been useful, very decisive results. I think I will just go with the usual and quietly obsess over something for months and then absolutely talk someone’s ear off the instant they show the slightest bit of interest.

Should I live tweet reading the entirety of all the LOTR/ Middle Earth books (including the histories, Tom Bombadil, The Fall of Gondolin, etc), in the universe’s chronological order, before Amazon ruins it? It’ll take a month and is an absolutely insane thing to do, but I wanna.

Today I got ads for a huge gurkha knife, medieval torch wall sconces, an obscure prop reproduction from the fifth element, and plans to turn a shipping container into a house; these things are getting way too accurate

Does anyone want to go play laser tag? Dollar for dollar it’s the cheapest way to hunt children for sport.

@kendibulator Nothing worth splitting peas over

Why are we making soup puns now? What did I miso?

Today…while writing a cover letter…for a job I actually wanted, I had a 15 minute internal debate about if using the term “occult forces,” or “crow army,” was more professional before it occurred to me that using neither was an option.

System of a Down spanks harder in 2022 than it did in 2003. Absolutely prophetic:

17: Charles Bukowski is me 25: Actually he was kind of a drunk misogynist 31: Fuck, how did I become a depressed, alcoholic, misanthropic, unemployable, failed writer in LA who loves classical music and idolizes women to fill the void where a parent’s love was supposed to go?

Sober January is over, doing a full leaving Las Vegas February.

I’m not saying it’s a good idea but Billy Joel has enough material for an entirely new “We Didn’t Start The Fire,” from the last two years alone.

Look I’m not saying opportunities for true decadence come often in this benighted age, but if you ever get the chance to drink blood orange mimosas, eat cake, and smoke a spliff in a jacuzzi tub filled with bubbles while listening to Enya at full volume, I’d highly recommend it

Happy Solstice, and please enjoy civilization while it lasts.

After years of hard work, sacrifice, and moving clear across the country I’m please to announce absolutely nothing, I have literally nothing going on.

Every day in December after the 10th is just garbage time.

I’m the Vincent Van Gogh of Twitter, zero likes, but decades from now scholars will refer to this as my “blue period.”

The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald is still the single best song about an industrial accident, all 6 1/2 minutes absolutely slap.

Just got my boostey boi and lemme tell you, the darkness took me and I strayed away through thought and time. Stars wheeled overhead and every day was as long as a life age of the earth...