Melanie Smith

Ah, yes, benefits open enrollment. That special time of year where I wonder how much I want to gamble on my future health.

@mimisviolin So...did you go after all?

I shall be there, Mr. President!

@Pineapple @AlaskaAir @MODPizza I've written (drunken) songs about my love for pineapple. I own pineapple t-shirts and receive gifts of pineapple. But pineapple, in no way, shape, or form, should EVER be put on pizza. Never. 🤢 #NationalPineappleDay

Pineapple pizza lovers, haters – it’s time to shine! Enter to win 2 flights to Hawaii + a $500 MOD gift card 🍍✈️ 1. Follow @AlaskaAir and @MODPizza 2. Reply to this tweet with your stance on pineapple + pizza 3. Use hashtag #NationalPineappleDay Terms: bit.ly/2Xvy1hD

Sprint sucks, they said. Sprint is unreliable, they said. And yet I stuck with them for over a decade. All to get a "Sorry you have zero cell service. We submitted an IT ticket and they'll email you in 24-48 hours to assist." Thanks, @sprintcare. You're absolutely killing it.

@sprintcare Seattle, WA 98107. Near NW Market & 15th Ave NW

"Sprint Network Unavailable" Yes, I know. That's what I'm trying to tell you, @sprint. Also, did you know you can't get security codes texted to you when service is down? So you can't log in to the site to report the issue, as instructed? It's almost like you don't want to know.

So sad about @CW_CrazyXGF Live tickets. Woke up at 6:45PST on day off. Was 60th in the pre-sale queue. Super stoked until @Ticketmaster can't verify me. I'm literally STILL logged in to TM from the presale signup. And yet nothing. 😩 #CrazyExGirlfriend

I didn't think @IMKristenBell could get any more relatable. And then she used Oreos as a unit of measurement. #IsThisWhatLoveFeelsLike? #SpiritAnimal #TheGoodPlace @nbcthegoodplace

Dammit. I never even received my alleged payment from the @womensmarch. Now this? Can I send a fictional financier to collections?

To be used "only in the case of national emergency"... With Trump, that could be something as simple as McDonalds permanently retiring the McRib. Initial reaction: Oh F*ck No. #PresidentialAlert #IsThereAnOptOutOptionForThisPresidency

Shout out to Sea-Tac for getting me through a 100+ person security line within (what felt like) 5 minutes so I'll have more time for day drinking. #BestAirport

It's reasonable to ask how does #Kavanaugh continue serving as a federal judge, much less on #SCOTUS after delivering such an openly partisan attack and identifying so unequivocally as an opponent of the Dem Party? He has validated those who see him as a GOP operative in a robe

The ABA—the "gold standard" per Lindsey Graham today—now says voting without an FBI investigation “would not only have a lasting impact on the Senate’s reputation, but will also negatively affect the great trust necessary for the American people to have in the Supreme Court.”

In other words, there is nothing in writing in this. The only thing that binds it is if McConnell is afraid without the FBI investigation he wouldn't have the votes for Kavanaugh.

Flake calls for delay to provide one week for FBI investigation. But does not formally amend the motion to move Kavanaugh nomination out of committee. Our calls to undecided senators more important than ever - Murkowski, Collins,Heitkamp, Manchin #BelieveSurviviors

@mrchrislowell What the hell just happened? Do they even know?

Brock Turners grow up to be Brett Kavanaughs who make the rules for Brock Turners.

@melissaFTW Happy birthday and 👏👏👏 for the tweet. Also, here's a photo of my dog losing his mind at the park.

so today is my birthday and this tweet is blowing up, so if anyone wants to counteract the upsetting debates in my mentions with pictures of your pets, I’d REALLY APPRECIATE it

The thing that kills me about people who question the timing of Kavanaugh’s victims: It IS about timing. I don’t want to bare details of my sexual assault, but if my assailant was being nominated for the highest court of the land with a life term, THAT’S THE TIME I’D COME FORWARD