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Today I audition for casual dad at dairy queen. What I'm saying is all my grandmothers prayers have been answered.
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Jason DeWall
4.6K posts
Jason DeWall
@JasonDeWall
Former Homecoming King, Current pleb
Brooklyn ny Se unió Mayıs 2009
4.3K Siguiendo1.1K Seguidores
Jason DeWall retuiteado
Zach Galifianakis calls out comedians who have President Trump or other politicians on their podcasts but don’t challenge them and just “fake laugh,” contrasting it with his Between Two Ferns episodes like the one with Barack Obama 😳👀
He also recalls Hillary Clinton asking him not to bring up the email controversy, so he said he wouldn’t do the episode unless they allowed it
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Jason DeWall retuiteado
This sentence by Dostoyevsky never fails to hit hard:
“You sensed that you should be following a different path, a more ambitious one, you felt that you were destined for other things but you had no idea how to achieve them and in your misery you began to hate everything around you.”
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Jason DeWall retuiteado
Dentist: “You need a crown.”
Me: “Finally someone who understands me”
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Jason DeWall retuiteado
Today is the annual Kentucky Derby free roll. The rules are simple. If you win you are a horse racing genius and it counts toward your record forever. If you lose you were never a horse racing bettor and the wager never existed. Good luck to all.
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Jason DeWall retuiteado
Rude of the Ravens to invite Diego Pavia to their mini-camp instead of their regular-size camp.
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Jason DeWall retuiteado
It's going to be very hard for anything to top Russell Brand Reading The Bible for 2026 Meme Of The Year. I don't want to succumb to recency bias but I think it could be one of those generational memes you only see every few years (a few years is a generation in internet-time)
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Jason DeWall retuiteado
I'm not happy Mr. Beast is coming to Survivor either but this feels like an overreaction.
Fox News@FoxNews
BREAKING: Justice Department announces it's readopting the firing squad as a means of execution
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Jason DeWall retuiteado
Jason DeWall retuiteado
I think about the Cheers guy now and then. Who is he? Why so smug? What was his life like? I know he could have never imagined his mug would eventually be seen by millions repeatedly on a contraption that beamed images and sounds through the air into people’s homes.
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Jason DeWall retuiteado
With their next pick, the Vikings will draft a QB that needs rotator cuff surgery or a kicker that just had both legs amputated above the knee.
This goddamn team, man.
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Jason DeWall retuiteado
Jason DeWall retuiteado
If it turns out Russini’s husband really did hire a PI and they’ve had all this info for years and just been sitting, waiting, crafting the perfect moment to go completely nuclear and ruin everyone’s lives and careers involved…
Dude needs to be hired by an NFL organization. I mean the patience and planning alone
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Jason DeWall retuiteado
The Onion/Infowars thing is obviously a great bit on its own but it transcends to an all-timer knowing that Alex Jones legitimately fought tooth and nail for a year and a half to stop it. No bullshit martyrdom for his empire, he just has to watch it become its own joke.
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Jason DeWall retuiteado
We have sent a notice to cease & desist to the Milwaukee Brewers.
Having rain fall inside a stadium with a closed retractable roof is the intellectual property of the Montreal Expos.
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Jason DeWall retuiteado
Me all day: "I'm so tired"
Also me, at 2am, taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am:
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I don't play candy crush or any phone smashers games... But if they made one called cartel hippos I'd probably break my phone in 5 minutes.
The Lead CNN@TheLeadCNN
Colombia approves a plan to cull roaming hippos linked to Pablo Escobar - and CNN's Stefano Pozzebon got an up close look at why.
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Jason DeWall retuiteado
Jason DeWall retuiteado
