Two Late Show

Instead of those Japanese productivity cafes, a Philly diner where a server named Ange comes over every 20 minutes, looks at your laptop and goes, "Oh wow."

If that balloon flew over Philly, it would have already been shot down by some contraption made in someone’s South Philly patio backyard, everyone would come by check out the balloon remains, and every year there would be a drinking holiday called Balloon Day to commemorate it.

Will be introducing "did you know that Todd Field, the writer/director of Tár, is also the co-creator of Big League Chew, the gum that's like chewing tobacco" into every conversation I have through the end of the year at least

twitter, once a haven for the socially undercooked to flirt, will now be a dark haven for ice bath men who eat things that make them sick

"Crime" always gets the headlines but I wish even one local news story about store closings asked the question "Hey, do you think maybe you opened too many Rite Aids to begin with?"

It was great to be back in Jersey and we made a dent in getting my storage organized. It’s a work in progress like everyday. Grateful to be alive. sober and getting things done.

Going to assume that the guy drinking a 24 oz Lite can inside Acme right now is just tailgating for tomorrow already.

did your crushes always like you back or are you funny?

my idea for all sports: little bit shorter i'm sleepy

hey (with the intention of hiding veggies in everything I cook for you)

I like when Philadelphia sports do well because the fans of Philadelphia sports franchises all seem like they are barely hanging on to the loosest tether of sanity, and I understand that

He's going for Pope!

Does anyone call weed pot anymore?

Elephants are born weighing 250 lbs. They are the biggest babies on earth except for the people mad about Lizzo playing James Madison’s flute.

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