marles barkley 🐌

If I had a bf I would roll him up in an area rug real tight and make him listen to my one woman show ideas until he cries (lol tears of joy obviously bc it’s so riveting)

@LaneBED If you want baby girl

@MBarkleyJr Can I be slum dog

Going forth, would like to be addressed as Slug Lord ✨✨

Self care is taking a moment to stop, inhale and be one with the Mac and cheese pasta steam

Our mom asked chat gpt what happens to a dogs soul when it dies

a small vial labeled POISON with a skull on it would hit the spot right now

@LaneBED She said it’s funny how I know so much and so little at once

@MBarkleyJr Back to the alien vs cats theory

I just said aloud to the cat “I’m questioning the nature of my reality” and she had an understanding look in her eyes, no homo

Hello, 9 year olds, I'm your English teacher. This Robert Frost poem is called "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening". It's about a guy that wants to commit suicide but he can't because he has chores to do

If you put me in a small room & played cotton eyed joe 3+ times I’d spill all the governments juiciest secrets

I’m a lot like Jesus Christ in the sense that I showed a lot of promise as a child and then basically fell off in my 20’s but returned at 33 to pop off unimaginably hard

when a woman smokes it's because she has a troubled past and a kind soul but when a man smokes it's because he's a loser with no self discipline

RT

@LaneBED Just scratches my itchy brain every time

Can’t talk rn I’m listening to the opening riffs of Money for Nothin

Eat, drink, AND be merry? Yeah fuckin right

Do people even do shotgun weddings anymore ? What happened to the American dream

@LaneBED I’ll do just about anything for a free meal ..;)

@MBarkleyJr Me avoiding the drug rep bc I simply CANT and just starving anyways o clock

It’s eating the absolute piss out of Olive Garden breadsticks in the break room then whining cuz I’m fat o clock

It’s actually not that scary to drive on snowy roads if you look at your phone the whole time

Literally loling. Guy shot me with a silver bullet because he thought I was a werewolf. I'm not and never have been. I am currently dying though on account of the bullet

The only thing that could possibly satisfy me today is the burger from The Menu