🏴‍☠️ Two Hand Luke 🫶

🚨This is your sign to swap a bad habit!🚨 If you vape STOP & start chewing tobacco If you drink too much give it UP for a month! & pick up a stimulant habit If you’re addicted to social media & your phone- log OUT, dust off that old laptop & get really into hardcore gooning

Ryan Murphy watching The Substance: this gives me a terrible idea!

don’t threaten me with a good time

We used to think it was going to be our government filming us all the time wherever we go, but somehow we were convinced to do it to ourselves

Tormented by guilt and unsure who he can trust, Jesse Pinkman decides to purchase and wear this Steve Aoki t-shirt

Open houses shouldn’t just be for selling your house, they should be mandatory annually. I want to see what y’all are fucking with, the vibes you’re curating

Why is the president of Turkey overcharging everyone for smoothies in LA?

The cities are filled with wealthy people that want to appear blue collar, the suburbs are full of the middle class that want to appear wealthy

You’ll have to fire me before you get me to close all of my browser tabs

The people that post pics of led cities in China & pretty public spaces are the same ones that vote down anything that tries to raise money for infrastructure and public works. My homie YOU are the reason our country looks like this not an imaginary immigrant you’ve never met

Lil Nas X is just a bad rap name, like imagine calling yourself KRS-Two

Timothee McChalaveigh

Everyone who gets veneers just get straighter whiter versions of their own teeth. If I got veneers I’d want something fun like maybe 100 tiny teeth in each row, or lego teeth

Stupid people love AI because they can’t tell that it is making up utter bullshit

Retirement is such a funny concept. You have to work your whole life while you’re young and eager and healthy so that you can actually enjoy your life when you’re old and beaten down and your dick doesn’t work anymore

The problem with survey results is that they’re only provided by the kind of people who agree to take surveys

Why have earthlings won every single miss universe pageant? Like every single one? How is that not planetist?

You guys I just got back from voting and they’re trying to keep Biden off the ballot in NY! They removed his name! This is massive electoral fraud from the maga brigade. Don’t forget to write in Biden and get this country back on track!

I wish I would have invested in microplastics on the ground floor

Remember how people used to camp in line for game and movie releases and now everything is shit and nothing matters

When you use a gas station bathroom in New Jersey do they wipe your ass for you too?