Dead Pan Nick

The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don't count.

if you’re so smart how come you never had a psychosis

@karanormal Plate tectonics

The City of Pueblo has a new “streamlined” approach to economic development, but the map is frying me.

The Adams County Sheriff's Office has received a flood of social media comments, DMs, and phone calls about the #Afroman defamation trial. It’s clear this is important to a lot of people. There's just one small issue: that's the ACSO in Ohio. We are the ACSO in #Colorado. Different states, same name. #AfromanTrial #WrongAdamsCounty

Among the finest films to ever appear on the big screen

Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982) ☘️☘️☘️☘️

At no point did I know what the next word would be.

Trust me, I understand 😀

There will be no WW3. They've abandoned numbered releases and switched to a live service model with seasonal events.

Goodbye, Broomfield

@BrockHuard @jrlafont There is enough animosity in the world at the moment. No matter what was said beforehand, Raleigh has to take the high road in that moment. Not after the moment. Shake a teammate's hand. The principle of his word before he needed to be thrown out the window.

@jrlafont Cal told him beforehand not to do it He still did it

Hey Randy, be better Cal is the Captain. He took the high road after your nasty comments toward him & all you have to do is apologize This isn’t that hard

Modern day Seinfeld: Jerry dates a woman named Julia with views on the Middle East he hates but she has a giant rack. Kramer stockpiles barrels of crude oil to sell for a profit but didn’t realize it can’t go in cars, and now has to try to sell it back. George tries to make insider bets on DraftKings on Yankees trades but the team never makes any of the trades. Elaine is smitten by a handsome guy but won’t commit because he still listens to Diddy music since “Diddy never did anything to me.” Newman has to deliver mail to “J. Epstein” and is convinced Jeffrey must still be alive, so he stakes out the apartment, only to find it’s actually Julia, the girl Jerry is dating.

Just to put into context how insane this is, in his entire career Abraham Lincoln scored zero points and got shot in the head.

let's see if everyone is laughing when the Broncos deploy their 4 TE sets next season. you don't even need an RB

Aliens: what are u doing Earth: Blowing big holes in our own planet because we're afraid of each other Aliens: okay take care

I watched a senior dev move his hand from the keyboard to the mouse. He clicked "File," then "Save." The entire motion took 1.4 seconds. I tapped on his shoulder. I asked if he was allergic to efficiency or just enjoyed the scenic route. He looked confused and said he was just saving his code. I told him that 'Ctrl+S' takes 0.2 seconds. Over a year, his mouse usage costs the company three days of development time. He said it was muscle memory. I told him his muscles were bad at math. I unplugged his mouse and locked it in my drawer.

The United States has spent EIGHT TRILLION DOLLARS fighting and policing in the Middle East. Thousands of our Great Soldiers have died or been badly wounded. Millions of people have died on the other side. GOING INTO THE MIDDLE EAST IS THE WORST DECISION EVER MADE.....

Every movie is a horror movie. I don't know those people

I just accidentally closed a tab I meant to read 2 years ago

brother i think there is already a copy of that in the oval office

A developer let out a heavy sigh after a code review. It was audible. It was heavy. It sounded like defeat. I rolled my chair over immediately. I asked if he was oxygen-deprived or just harboring negativity. He said the codebase is a mess. I told him that exhaling loudly spreads airborne pessimism. It lowers the ambient morale of the pod. He said he didn't realize breathing was against the rules. I told him purposeful breathing is fine, but performative breathing is a cry for attention. I logged "respiratory insubordination" in his file. I also recommended he attend a mandatory workshop on "Positive Inhalation Strategies." We don't sigh here. We aspire.