Fillmore Wilbury 🎶

Marked safe from being accounted for.

Damn girl, that personality of yours has destroyed more wood than a colony of termites.

"It’s just a headache." Okay, and the Titanic was just a boat.

Adulthood - a never-ending story of shit you have to do.

Okay friends I have work to do. Have a good night this Friday eve. Unless you're Australian. Then continue to let us know how Friday is

Girl who asks for magic and gets sawed in half.

Your tongue’s ability to detect hair is underrated.

Every tweet i have ever posted has been a direct quote from the bible i swear to god

One day you wake up and you now like dark chocolate and realise you're old now

The whole gang is here! There's Doc (he's a doctor), Smoky (he's a chain smoker) and Larry Strange Balls (he has strange balls).

"It’s a bit breezy out." For you, it’s a breeze. For me, it’s an unplanned flight to Kansas.

Street fighter? I'm looking for a street lover.

Partner you've baja'ed your last blast.

My body is a temple, in that I ask people to remove their shoes before entering.

Sex is like riding a bike in that if it's been a while you'll likely faceplant over the handlebars and get your junk caught in the chain

Is that a severed head in your freezer or are you just happy to see me

Therapist:  You missed your last appointment. Me:  You told me to stay away from any unnecessary stress. Therapist:  . . . . .

If I could just unscrew my head and leave it on the nightstand for an hour, I would.

Judge: you’re here because you booped the cop on the nose Me: your honor, may I approach the bench? Judge covering his nose: absolutely not

At this age the only clubs I'll be going to are Sam's, BJ's or Costco.

Survival of the fittest? Please. If a predator chases me, I can't even use "distraction by jiggle." I just have to hope the bear thinks I’m a particularly sturdy hiking pole.