Bread John

The last time I had sex Donald Trump's toupee was still roaming the tundra.

I know you guys like being neglected buuut Instagram is the only platform I regularly use so FOLLOW ME 😈😈😈 instagram.com/RubyDerrière Pic Tymwhitney

[family feud] Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence... Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN

A strip club for cats, but the customers just come to lay on the dancer's discarded clothing.

shortest 1st date I've ever been on was when this girl asked what's my favorite movie & I said Ghostbusters & then she asked what's it about

My knees are really hurty and I haven't had sex in 7 years: A journey into professional parkour.

I talk a lot of shit for a guy who cries every time a Humane Society commercial comes on TV.

A crossfit guy just carried me in & out of Burger King 43 times.

I just enjoy the looks on people's faces when they peer into the buggy to see my baby and realise it's a gammon ham with a face drawn on it.

[girlfriend in a coma] *leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me...where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?

I don't even like sleep, it's just the only way I can eat spiders

HER: I want to be a bird in my next life. ME: *nodding* I too want to live in a home made of garbage.

Grandad wanted an open casket funeral but no one expected him to die of a viagra overdose & they couldn't even close the lid for cremation.

*hurtling through space* Me: Are we currently hurtling or hurdling through space? Him: I think it's the first one. Me: Me too, cool.