KedemGrapeJews

My friend אברהם lost a bet last week. He goes by ארהם now.

When it comes to donuts, I hold like Beis Shammai

Slytherin Chinuch be like: Chanoch L’na’ar Al Pi Draco

Standing in the sukkah, exactly three tefachim apart, they locked eyes… It was ‘lavud’ at first sight.

My new stopwatch from Tzomet is here, but it’s a bit off on timing 🤷

A Machzor where each Hebrew page has 3 pages of translation… for every page left, we can divide by 4! Pls, someone, get me in touch with @artscroll asap.

Now try Mikva Water

Can’t believe the shidduch crisis has gotten us to this point… Wild.

One of my arba minim betrayed me today. It went Es-rogue.

Just finished sacrificing a Soda Stream at the Beit Hamikdash. Can’t think of a better way to serve God than a ‘Korban Dioxide’.

Mareh Kohen is only time I don’t get excited when seeing “most congregations omit”.

If I didn’t know better Friday Night Lights just sounds like a documentary about a Shabbos Goy in Lakewood.

Love buying condiments made by Osem. They are quite literally… Osem sauce.

I feel like I spend at least half of the time at Israeli weddings trying to track down the magnet guy

Learning the Aleph-Beis is tough, but the last letter… that’s really tough.

Kinda crazy that all bus drivers in Israel have the same name. Like, what are the chances that every kid named ‘Nahag’ went into the same profession?

Naming all my children Simcha so people will say to me “only simchas, only simchas”.

For those still announcing Sefira. Stop it.

A friend told me that he doesn’t want to go to shul on Shavuos. Some people just can’t handle the ‘Ruth’.

Every year I make oatmeal for those who stay up all night on Shavuot… I call it Shavu’oats’.

@mendelkalmenson @VaadHaBadchanim Let’s just say it’s a good thing I’m not a big coffee drinker

@DaVineHumor @VaadHaBadchanim And then what happens? Do you have any sons (left)?

I tell baristas my name is “Avraham Avraham”. When they call my name, I rise slowly and respond: ״הנני״