Dan(ny) Lempert

6.7K posts

Dan(ny) Lempert

@danlempert

comedian — @ucbtny & elsewhere— I love tote bags

NYC Bergabung Ağustos 2010

1.1K Mengikuti4.6K Pengikut

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Dan(ny) Lempert@danlempert·22 Mar

When a new restaurant “does things a little bit differently”

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Dan(ny) Lempert@danlempert·9 Oca

Tricked my bf into watching all three extended editions 😈

Dan(ny) Lempert@danlempert

[describing lotr to someone who hates fantasy] it’s about 9 childless queer friends teaming up to return a piece of jewelry

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274

Dan(ny) Lempert@danlempert·11 Ara

@DashaBurns Holy moley congrats !!!🍾🎊

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Dasha Burns@DashaBurns·11 Ara

Some ME NEWS for the New Year:

POLITICO Press@POLITICOPress

JUST ANNOUNCED: Dasha Burns is joining @POLITICO as White House Bureau Chief. Read the full memo from Global Editor-in-Chief @harrispolitico. We're thrilled to welcome @DashaBurns to POLITICO! politico.com/blogs/politico…

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Dan(ny) Lempert@danlempert·8 Eki

the substance

Yisuno ⚝ | SKARM BELIEVER@TheYisusOne

After Nincada evolves, an empty shell is left behind, which somehow comes to life as a Pokemon called Shedinja.

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Dan(ny) Lempert@danlempert·7 Eki

@sarahclazarus 😻 🎉

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Sarah Lazarus@sarahclazarus·7 Eki

the world must see my perfect kitten Harpo

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Dan(ny) Lempert me-retweet

skin 𖣐 destroyer@gloomingly·1 Eki

(trying to make small talk) notice any patterns lately

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Dan(ny) Lempert@danlempert·2 Eki

JD Vance like

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Dan(ny) Lempert@danlempert·30 Eyl

Someone needs to do something about supermarket prices I’m circling the yogurt aisle psyching myself up like I’m about to rob a bank

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Dan(ny) Lempert me-retweet

m a x w i t t e r t@waxmittert·11 Haz

Despite my best efforts, it is already lunch time. A good moment to make you revisit some of my most tedious work. “Jean & Scott,” episode 13 1/3

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Dan(ny) Lempert@danlempert·20 May

I’m “making a list of things to discuss with the dermatologist”-years-old 👼

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Dan(ny) Lempert@danlempert·8 May

How do I tell the person who lives in the apt below mine that doing nonstop, bad + loud Madonna karaoke by themselves is embarrassing? A note? Rock through the window? Kill myself in front of them??

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Dan(ny) Lempert me-retweet

abby@abby4thepeople·1 May

literally crying in the club (my office)

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Mike Abrusci@mikeabrusci·1 May

Unbelievable to be wearing full body armor and pointing a gun at a 19 year old sociology major and think “I AM THE GOOD GUY IN THIS SITUATION”

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Dan(ny) Lempert@danlempert·26 Nis

“Ummm Challengers much?” - me hanging w/ any two hot ppl

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Dan(ny) Lempert@danlempert·15 Nis

🎶 Tap me on the shoulder when you reload the gun 🎶

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Dan(ny) Lempert@danlempert·9 Nis

Being over 30 & childless means I have 10k+ photos of pizza on my phone

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Dan(ny) Lempert@danlempert·29 Mar

walking in the midwest is tricky cause im always startling pedestrians w/ my purposeful stride & bad attitude

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Dan(ny) Lempert@danlempert·26 Mar

you think I’m joking but this is literally me at work

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Dan(ny) Lempert@danlempert·20 Mar

those little baggies for drugs are so cute whenever I see one I want to make a lil sandwich for a hamster so bad

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Dan(ny) Lempert@danlempert·17 Şub

A remake of Sleeping with the Enemy & it’s just me cat sitting her

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Jelajahi

@DashaBurns @sarahclazarus @elonmusk @BarackObama @taylorswift13 @cristiano @BillGates @NASA