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They call me 'ATM' because every day I withdraw a little more.

I can't explain it but 5 x 5 = 25 gives off the same vibe as Friday.

commercials should be the same volume as the show, we have the technology

Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn't find one.

too many generic kid names like "chris" and "jake" out there. if i had a son i'd name him something bad ass. like "the shovel"

“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles

This protein packed pasta only uses 6 simple ingredients and just takes 30 minutes and requires you to wash a psychologically damaging amount of dishes!

Did you ever think about how there's wild horses out there, just running around on bare feet?

All of the hashtags in your bio gave me an anxiety attack. Pass.

Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives. Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war* Me: Dammit.

I choose peace motherfucker.

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.

i found a Skittle in my bra and i'm hoping that's a portent of a good day

When you’re a teacher, how you dress on “professional days” is who you really are

What we're doing is we're watching Con Air.

whoops accidentally said I couldn't make it before they even said the date

When you already like them... then they throw you a Back to the Future reference... they're a keeper

Going back to your first Instagram post and liking one everyday like I’m Michael Myers slowly chasing you

when you carbonation burp and it seems to come from somewhere deeper, older