Mike Mentalpause

I wish I had a particular set of skills. Mine are all random

Someone: can I give you some of my advice? Me: nah, you keep it. You need it.

Appellate judge overturned the ruling that I'm bad to the bone :(

Having a brother tell you not to nap on the couch while he sleep/snores on the other couch is next level hypocrite. Don't be like my dumbass hypocritical brother

My body is a temple made for pizza and lava cakes.

They've reported that Beyonce' is the richest country music artist of all time at $1 billion dollars. Thoughts?

Pope Leo is a pussy

They're killing scientists now. So everyone on twitter is safe.

I don’t talk that much to other people but when I do I quickly regret it.

You're never too old to skip over lines in the pavement.

Virginia; The Scamburger State

Report me for being incongruous. I dare you

I'll retweet anything I like because I'm not in a cult

plenty of words are worse than "moist" for example, whatever your name is

I had a new lease on life, but it got repossessed.

If at first you don't succeed, try wearing a corduroy vest.

People can't be trusted, but.. Dogs can.

How many of you have met your doppelgänger?

I want to see referees get penalized for making a bad call. I said what I said

I'm not the problem, but I can be.

I'm not a feminist but I'll kick him in the balls for you if you shave your pits.