dont follow me

Anyone know anybody who had their arm broken by a swan 🦢? 🤔……that apparently was a thing when I was wee 🤷🏻‍♂️ I think someone just made that up 🤨

@real_lord_miles @_DHOTYA this years winner

The most AWKWARD moment of my life was when I split an Uber with a random gay couple. Train broke down and we were heading in the same direction. I sat in the front seat, them in the back. All normal until the Taliban head of foreign intelligence video call me with AK-47 in hand with several armed bodyguards in the background. Spoke for 10 mins about whatever. Called me his friend. Cracked some jokes. Asked how the family is etc. Afterwards I looked back only to see their mouths ajar, eyes wide, blood drained from their baby faces, visible fear and panic. Very awkward 15 mins ride in silence.

@stonersvilla I’ve weed myself

What’s your response to “You smell like weed”?

@benonwine The guys a creepy bell end

Not sure why the guy would pick it up but hey 🤦‍♂️🤷‍♂️ But scenes like this are exactly why people feel uneasy. And then we’re told by Mayor Khan that London is “safe.” Give me a break! stop LYING to the public!

@prinkasusa Normal.

WHAT IS IT CALLED WHEN YOU’RE NOT SUICIDAL BUT JUST REALLY TIRED OF BEING ALIVE?

@MartinSLewis How dare you have a holiday 😳

And that’s me done. As I've no TV show for a few weeks, I'm going to take advantage and put my MoneySavingExpert hat to one side for a little bit and spend some time wearing my far brighter "Dad" hat instead. So I’ll be off social and work for 10 days or so. I’d be grateful if, while I’m off here, you report any scam ads using my name or image to the platform (they often increase when I’m not posting). Wishing all celebrating a Happy Easter or Pesach Sameach - and for everyone else, I hope you have a great time too. See you in a week or two. Martin

@joecousins89 She was a sort of female version tho?

Dropped case, never charged. Everyone out for blood …. I’ll just remind people of one name - Caroline Flack.

@GamewithDave FREEDOM 👊

People who actually experienced the 1990s: What is something you miss from that decade that just isn't the same today

@DerekWarChisora @PiersUncensored Piers is a cunt tho…..

Piers Morgan asked me to sell the fight so I called him a c*** and got him to plug my new business War and Peace supplements instead 😂 #war #fight50 @PiersUncensored

@scott_mills @BigBoll1983 @waynelineker 😂

Wayne Lineker is my new favourite person on twitter. @waynelineker follow!

@eddiehallWSM Heart attack at about 53 🥰

Where it started and where it ended up

@Ryanair Fuck off

Update...

@Minkeyboy74 @ScottyMillsy93 Always felt sorry for H from steps lol

@ScottyMillsy93 What a day to share a nonces name . Good luck son

Contrary to reports, I wasn’t sacked by the BBC…

Excited for the teen awards on Sunday! 🙌🏼🏆 @BBCR1 #r1teenawards

@JackBarrington1 @scott_mills

@scott_mills That's just a sexual harassment charge waiting to happen.

My hotel room appears to have a round bed. Feel like R Kelly

@narindertweets You would be perfect, another self obsessed knob head

Me.

Filming today on a park bench with @chris_stark for new Radio 1 tv trail

@scott_mills @Chris_Stark Was @chris_stark the victim?

@narindertweets @BBC You are not likable tho?

This is as good as time as any to ask @BBC - can I have his gig now please? I've been asking for 25yrs and have no "personal misconducts" 😊