Nuclear Winter

Am I currently satisfied with my skin care regime? Lady, I haven't been satisfied with anything since 1991. I am the embodiment of dismay.

Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it's bracelets.

edwin's chart btw

My prime was basically 3 months in '96

"The human mind does not cope well with isolation" yeah, whatever fuckface

The latest poll shows me 19 points ahead. Hold on. Sorry folks. The latest poll shows me 19 POUNDS ahead.

god: i need you to build a death star noah: uh, what's a death star? god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…

It's not an ancient art. You're just using some glue.

The savage darkness you sense is just me trying on clothes.

The way this cat is chewing on my severed ear makes me feel seen.

Lol, good luck little guy. Consciousness is the first stage of torture.

Falconry is a power move. Having an argument? Summon a mighty raptor to alight upon your gauntlet and screech its agreement with you.

if you ever need to be reminded of your decomposing existence on this earth stay at a motel built in the same year you were born

Her: I need advice. Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.

I wear shirts with low-cut arm holes in case I need to unfurl my black wings and kick some ass human-bird hybrid-style

I take no leave of you, Miss Bennet: I send no compliments to your mother. You deserve no such attention. I am most seriously displeased.

It’s called a charm offensive. I'm like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.

The true test of your comedic ability is if you can get people to laugh without resorting to profanity. But you glum cunts make that fucking impossible.

Which Wasting Disease Are You? Take Our Quiz and Find Out!

Shh....you had me at "My boyfriend is going to kick your ass."

I am loved and shit.